Sunday, March 07, 2004
LIFESTYLES OF THE RICH AND FAMOUS. OH, AND SOME CRAZY OLD PEOPLE TOO!
There’s been some interesting little nuggets I’ve been reading about on the internet and discussing with friends lately. I figured, since I don’t got much else to do right about now, I might as well talk about them in my weblog. So here goes...
Whacko Jacko
Well, Michael Jackson is always in the news, but I’m going to comment on him today. Why? Because he’s friggin’ hilarious!
See, I’ve been thinking lately about Michael going on trial for his most recent child molestation charges. Is he guilty? I’m not sure. I don’t know the whole story and I think it is best to at least get all the facts before making a decision. Therefore, I’ll hold off on any accusations.
However, wouldn’t it be funny as hell if he was found guilty and actually had to spend time in prison? Oh, the laughter! Oh, the joy! It would undoubtedly be the funniest thing to happen since, well, the last time Michael Jackson was in the news.
Let’s examine this, shall we? You just know he is going to get raped. The guy is going to have to wear steel underwear in the shower. Either that or he’s gonna wind up with more bones buried in him than Arlington National Cemetery. His ass will be completely and irrevocably torn and just turned into a huge, gaping hole. Michael will never be able to go to the bathroom correctly again. His bowels will just give up and he’ll constantly have dung in his drawers.
Also, there’s going to be no one around to help him with his hair and makeup, so he’ll slowly start decomposing like a wax dummy under a heat lamp. His nose would probably start drooping slowly down his face. Hell, it would probably fall clean off.
And all of this will be on the national news every single night. Not just on the news, it will be the lead story. Nothing could top it. Close your eyes. Visualize the scenario. “Good evening, I’m Peter Jennings and this is the ABC Nightly News. Today, Osama bin Laden arrived in Los Angeles by private jet. He stripped off his clothes and walked naked down Hollywood Boulevard before entering a tattoo shop to get his nipples pierced. Also, a terrorist cruise missile struck the White House, killing the President of the United States. But first, tonight’s top story. Michael Jackson is melting...”
So, here’s to hoping it will all end in a guilty verdict. Not just for justice, but for the sake of American comedy.
Wesley Snipes Has A Crack Baby?
So, have you heard that Wesley Snipes may have fathered a baby with a crack whore? If not...Extra! Extra! Read all about it here.
According to the story, Mr. Snipes and a woman he has allegedly known “all his life” had sex in a crack house in the year 2000. The crack mama says the baby she gave birth to is Wesley’s and wants him to take a paternity test. Thus far, Mr. Snipes has refused.
Now, if Wesley Snipes did indeed father this baby, it will be the best thing to happen to American comedy since Arnold became Governor of California. Admittedly, it will probably hurt Wesley’s career...but it’s still gonna be pretty goddamn hilarious. Hell, it already is.
Think about it. Wesley Snipes is a millionaire. He has MILLIONS of dollars. He is known worldwide for the movies he has starred in. But, he apparently digs having hot, nasty sex with crack whores in crack houses. Couldn’t he at least take her back to his home in the Hollywood Hills or something? I guess not.
If this is true, his career in movies may be effectively over. He will be homeless on the streets of Hollywood. Kids are going to come up to him while he’s panhandling for change and say, “Hey, aren’t you Wesley Snipes? Weren’t you in U.S. Marshals?” Wesley will look up from his worn out shoes and say, “Yes, I am. I was one of the biggest stars in the world.” The kids will pause momentarily in complete silence, then say “Hahaha, I thought it was you!!! You’re the guy who screwed a crack whore in a crack house!! What a loser!!”
It’s all going to be very interesting. I’m definitely going to stay tuned in to this story. But, after it’s all said and done, I’m still going to be left with one question. If a crack whore and Wesley Snipes have a child, is it born fiending for drugs and vampire movies? I wonder.
...And In A Related Story
Apparently, good ol’ Wes also likes slapping around a girl or two; most recently Halle Berry . But, about 8 years ago, he may or may not have had a run in with this girl.
In the article, the victim’s attorney alleges that Mr. Snipes used “martial-arts training to wreak devastating bodily harm upon [her],...when he hit, slapped, punched, kicked and choked the plaintiff and broke her leg.”
But, were all these verbs really necessary? Couldn’t they just say he beat her up? No, they had to use just about every single action word to describe being physically attacked. However, they did leave out a few. So I think I’m going to file my own claim against Wesley Snipes. Everyone else is doing it, so why can’t I?
I’m going to say that I was out for a morning walk when I happened upon the famous actor. I approached him cautiously, as I was well aware of his volatile temper. We exchanged pleasantries, but, when I asked for his autograph, he became enraged. Using his devastating martial arts tactics, he unleashed upon me a berserker attack of ferocity the likes of which have never been seen before. Mr. Snipes punched me, kicked me, slapped me and choked me in rapid-fire succession. With laser-like precision, he was then able to grab both of my nipples and give me an excruciatingly painful titty twister. Without hesitation he then leaped into the air and, with the fury of a thousand kung fu warriors, bicycle kicked me into unconsciousness.
Think it could work? I hope so. But, if not, maybe my mom will get pregnant and I'll make my new sibling call Wesley Snipes "daddy."
The Fracas In Florida
Did you hear about the old folks who started fighting at a Winter Haven, Florida salad bar? No, this isn’t a setup to some lame punch line. Read about it here. No further commentary needed. That’s just plain funny.
There’s been some interesting little nuggets I’ve been reading about on the internet and discussing with friends lately. I figured, since I don’t got much else to do right about now, I might as well talk about them in my weblog. So here goes...
Whacko Jacko
Well, Michael Jackson is always in the news, but I’m going to comment on him today. Why? Because he’s friggin’ hilarious!
See, I’ve been thinking lately about Michael going on trial for his most recent child molestation charges. Is he guilty? I’m not sure. I don’t know the whole story and I think it is best to at least get all the facts before making a decision. Therefore, I’ll hold off on any accusations.
However, wouldn’t it be funny as hell if he was found guilty and actually had to spend time in prison? Oh, the laughter! Oh, the joy! It would undoubtedly be the funniest thing to happen since, well, the last time Michael Jackson was in the news.
Let’s examine this, shall we? You just know he is going to get raped. The guy is going to have to wear steel underwear in the shower. Either that or he’s gonna wind up with more bones buried in him than Arlington National Cemetery. His ass will be completely and irrevocably torn and just turned into a huge, gaping hole. Michael will never be able to go to the bathroom correctly again. His bowels will just give up and he’ll constantly have dung in his drawers.
Also, there’s going to be no one around to help him with his hair and makeup, so he’ll slowly start decomposing like a wax dummy under a heat lamp. His nose would probably start drooping slowly down his face. Hell, it would probably fall clean off.
And all of this will be on the national news every single night. Not just on the news, it will be the lead story. Nothing could top it. Close your eyes. Visualize the scenario. “Good evening, I’m Peter Jennings and this is the ABC Nightly News. Today, Osama bin Laden arrived in Los Angeles by private jet. He stripped off his clothes and walked naked down Hollywood Boulevard before entering a tattoo shop to get his nipples pierced. Also, a terrorist cruise missile struck the White House, killing the President of the United States. But first, tonight’s top story. Michael Jackson is melting...”
So, here’s to hoping it will all end in a guilty verdict. Not just for justice, but for the sake of American comedy.
Wesley Snipes Has A Crack Baby?
So, have you heard that Wesley Snipes may have fathered a baby with a crack whore? If not...Extra! Extra! Read all about it here.
According to the story, Mr. Snipes and a woman he has allegedly known “all his life” had sex in a crack house in the year 2000. The crack mama says the baby she gave birth to is Wesley’s and wants him to take a paternity test. Thus far, Mr. Snipes has refused.
Now, if Wesley Snipes did indeed father this baby, it will be the best thing to happen to American comedy since Arnold became Governor of California. Admittedly, it will probably hurt Wesley’s career...but it’s still gonna be pretty goddamn hilarious. Hell, it already is.
Think about it. Wesley Snipes is a millionaire. He has MILLIONS of dollars. He is known worldwide for the movies he has starred in. But, he apparently digs having hot, nasty sex with crack whores in crack houses. Couldn’t he at least take her back to his home in the Hollywood Hills or something? I guess not.
If this is true, his career in movies may be effectively over. He will be homeless on the streets of Hollywood. Kids are going to come up to him while he’s panhandling for change and say, “Hey, aren’t you Wesley Snipes? Weren’t you in U.S. Marshals?” Wesley will look up from his worn out shoes and say, “Yes, I am. I was one of the biggest stars in the world.” The kids will pause momentarily in complete silence, then say “Hahaha, I thought it was you!!! You’re the guy who screwed a crack whore in a crack house!! What a loser!!”
It’s all going to be very interesting. I’m definitely going to stay tuned in to this story. But, after it’s all said and done, I’m still going to be left with one question. If a crack whore and Wesley Snipes have a child, is it born fiending for drugs and vampire movies? I wonder.
...And In A Related Story
Apparently, good ol’ Wes also likes slapping around a girl or two; most recently Halle Berry . But, about 8 years ago, he may or may not have had a run in with this girl.
In the article, the victim’s attorney alleges that Mr. Snipes used “martial-arts training to wreak devastating bodily harm upon [her],...when he hit, slapped, punched, kicked and choked the plaintiff and broke her leg.”
But, were all these verbs really necessary? Couldn’t they just say he beat her up? No, they had to use just about every single action word to describe being physically attacked. However, they did leave out a few. So I think I’m going to file my own claim against Wesley Snipes. Everyone else is doing it, so why can’t I?
I’m going to say that I was out for a morning walk when I happened upon the famous actor. I approached him cautiously, as I was well aware of his volatile temper. We exchanged pleasantries, but, when I asked for his autograph, he became enraged. Using his devastating martial arts tactics, he unleashed upon me a berserker attack of ferocity the likes of which have never been seen before. Mr. Snipes punched me, kicked me, slapped me and choked me in rapid-fire succession. With laser-like precision, he was then able to grab both of my nipples and give me an excruciatingly painful titty twister. Without hesitation he then leaped into the air and, with the fury of a thousand kung fu warriors, bicycle kicked me into unconsciousness.
Think it could work? I hope so. But, if not, maybe my mom will get pregnant and I'll make my new sibling call Wesley Snipes "daddy."
The Fracas In Florida
Did you hear about the old folks who started fighting at a Winter Haven, Florida salad bar? No, this isn’t a setup to some lame punch line. Read about it here. No further commentary needed. That’s just plain funny.
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