Tuesday, July 06, 2004
THE TRIAL OF MICHAEL MOORE: DAY THREE
Charge #3: Michael Moore is Anti-American
JUDGE
Please be seated. Court is now in session. Mr. Limbaugh, call your next witness.
LIMBAUGH
The defense calls Ann Coulter to the stand
(Coulter takes the witness stand)
LIMBAUGH (Cont’d)
Ms. Coulter, for those not familiar with your work, please explain what it is that you do.
COULTER
I am an author and a co-host on the Fox News Channel.
LIMBAUGH
You’ve been brought here today to testify that Michael Moore is anti-American. Is this your feeling?
COULTER
Yes, it is.
LIMBAUGH
Please be specific. Why do you feel Michael Moore is anti-American?
COULTER
Because he is a left-wing nut. His movie, Fahrenheit 7/11, or whatever it’s called, does more to aid terrorists than protest them. It’s this type of “blame America first” nonsense that stirs up anti-American feelings around the world and provides fodder for groups like Al-Qaeda.
LIMBAUGH
How so?
COULTER
Well, think about it. Everytime a nut like Michael Moore publicly undermines the Presidency of George W. Bush, it gives rise to terrorist groups here and abroad. If we don’t support our President, we leave ourselves wide open to attack.
LIMBAUGH
Well put, Ms. Coulter. No further questions.
JUDGE
Would the defense care to cross examine?
KORNBUS
Yes. Ms. Coulter, you’ve stated that Mr. Moore’s film aids terrorists, correct?
COULTER
Yes.
KORNBUS
Would you also agree then, that President Bush’s habit of alienating countries like Canada and France, also could aid terrorists?
COULTER
No. That’s garbage! That is completely unfair.
KORNBUS
Ms. Coulter, do you remember saying that the United States should invade enemy nations and convert them all to Christianity?
COULTER
Uhm, yes. But I was being...
KORNBUS
Never mind what you were being. Statements like that give rise to the terrorists all around the world that hate the United States. In fact, statements like that are exactly why many nations hate our country.
COULTER
Baloney!
KORNBUS
No, ma’am, it’s not baloney. It’s exactly those type of imperialistic and jingoistic attitudes that breed terrorists like Osama bin Laden. It’s certainly not film makers like Michael Moore.
COULTER
Whatever. Michael Moore is the one trying to destroy the legitimacy of a sitting President.
KORNBUS
So, I gather it is your opinion that when Michael Moore, or a group of people in general, tries to undermine a President, that they are being anti-American. Would that be fair to state?
COULTER
Yes. And Michael Moore certainly is being anti-American.
KORNBUS
Ok. Let me make sure I understand. Michael Moore is anti-American because he wants to kick George W. Bush out of office.
COULTER
Yes.
KORNBUS
Then what would you call it when you and conservative groups across the nation were trying to oust Clinton?
COULTER
That’s different! That was a completely different...
KORNBUS
Save it! No further questions.
COULTER
This is bullshit! This is a travesty! Where’s the goddamn justice?
JUDGE
Quiet down, Ms. Coulter!! You are no longer a witness in this trial. Please exit the witness area and leave the courtroom.
COULTER
I will not leave the courtroom! This is the biggest crock of shit I have ever...
JUDGE
Ms. Coulter!! One more word out of you and you will be found in contempt.
COULTER
I find you in contempt!
JUDGE
Bailiff, remove this mental patient.
(Bailiff removes Coulter, who kicks and screams the entire way out.)
JUDGE (Cont’d)
There will be no more outbursts in my courtroom. Understand that now. No more! Mr. Limbaugh, would you like to call your next witness?
LIMBAUGH
Yes, I would like to call Newt Gingrich.
(Newt Gingrich takes the stand)
LIMABAUGH (cont’d)
Mr. Gingrich, what is your opinion of Michael Moore.
GINGRICH
That he is an anti-American idiot with an anti-American movie being shown in anti-American theaters.
LIMBAUGH
Wow! Very strong words, sir. I’ll keep this brief. Why do you feel Mr. Moore is anti-American?
GINGRICH
Because he cares more about countries like Canada and France then he does for the United States. Just look at what festivals he entered his little movie in.
LIMBAUGH
Please, tell the court what you mean.
GINGRICH
He entered it in Cannes, the French Film Festival. France of course is the same crummy country who turned their back on our Coalition of the Willing! And I’ll be damned if Michael Moore didn’t win the top prize at the festival. And isn’t that just fitting? Give the anti-American movie the top prize in a country who flaunts its disdain for our country.
LIMBAUGH
No further questions.
(Kornbus steps up to cross examine)
KORNBUS
Mr. Gingrich, I will also keep this brief. Where are your credentials?
GINGRICH
What credentials are you speaking of?
KORNBUS
The credentials that give you the jurisdiction of declaring what is American and what is not.
GINGRICH
I have no credentials such as those. However, I was Speaker of the House! I think I have a pretty good idea!
KORNBUS
Uh-huh. And is leaving your wife while she has cancer the American thing to do?
GINGRICH
How dare you, sir! How dare you bring my personal life into this trial!
KORNBUS
I apologize, Mr. Speaker. However, I felt that since you are so well versed in the aspects of Americanism, you would like to lecture us on how leaving your wife when she has cancer is American.
GINGRICH
I do not have to answer that!
KORNBUS
I think you just did, sir. Nothing further.
GINGRICH
Your Honor, are you just going to let him get away with this?
JUDGE
Oh, shut up, Newt. You disgust me. Get out of my courtroom.
(Newt huffs and puffs his way out)
JUDGE (cont’d)
Call your next witness, Mr. Limbaugh
LIMBAUGH
The prosecution calls Dennis Miller.
(Dennis Miller takes the stand)
LIMBAUGH (cont’d)
Mr. Miller, what is your opinion of Michael Moore?
MILLER
Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being.
LIMBAUGH
Do you find him to be anti-American?
MILLER
Yes, I do. He runs around with his stupid little microphone asking his stupid little questions. Meanwhile, we’ve got troops over in Iraq taking names and kicking ass. They’re over there defending our freedom and what Moore does cheapens their sacrifice.
LIMBAUGH
I see. Nothing further, your Honor.
JUDGE (to Kornbus)
Your witness.
KORNBUS
Thank you, your Honor. Mr. Miller, I know you support our troops. So does Michael Moore. You see, questioning an administration that sends our sons and daughters to die in a war for no reason is testament to that. Don’t you agree?
MILLER
Oh, Michael Moore is a stupid moron.
KORNBUS
You’re welcome to your opinion, sir. But don’t you think that...
MILLER
He is utterly, completely wrong. Just a waste of sperm and eggs!
KORNBUS
Dennis, I’m sure Mr. Bush appreciates your support, but wouldn’t you say...
MILLER
The audacity of a big, fat bastard like Michael Moore throwing roadblocks in the way of an effort to liberate Iraq. Christ!
KORNBUS
I remember when you used to be funny. Now I just feel sorry for you. No further questions for this witness. It’s pointless.
JUDGE
Step down, Mr. Miller.
(Dennis Miller leaves the witness area)
JUDGE (cont’d)
Do you have any other witnesses Mr. Limbaugh?
LIMBAUGH
Yes, your Honor. One more. The prosecution calls to the stand....former President, George Herbert Walker Bush!
(The former President, flanked by Secret Service, takes the stand)
LIMBAUGH (cont’d)
Mr. President, it’s a great honor to meet you.
BUSH SR.
Thank you. Likewise.
LIMBAUGH
Let’s get down to business, sir. You’ve come here today to help convince the judge and the world that Michael Moore is anti-American. What about him do you find to be anti-American?
BUSH SR.
Many things. My son is the current President of the United States and Michael Moore is trying his best to thwart his upcoming re-election. It makes me sick. Mr. Moore is nothing but a slime ball.
LIMBAUGH
How is he trying to thwart your son’s re-election?
BUSH SR.
By spreading lies about him. My boy went to Iraq for all the right reasons. The fact is that Saddam Hussein has been developing weapons of mass destruction for years. He is a dictator who has gassed his own people and suppressed even the most fundamental of human rights
LIMBAUGH
So you do not feel, as Michael Moore does, that our troops are being sent into a situation they do not belong in?
BUSH SR.
Correct. The allegations Michael Moore is throwing around are just B.S., plain and simple. His charges are baseless. Completely unfounded.
LIMBAUGH
And these lies he is telling about the reasons for war, how do they make him anti-American? Explain that.
BUSH SR.
Because they divide our country. My son campaigned and won on a platform of being a compassionate conservative. He is not a warmongering fascist. My son served as the Governor of Texas and was, in his own words, a uniter, not a divider. He brought people of all party affiliations together for the greater good. Now, when people like Michael Moore run around making false accusations, the citizens of this great country can be fooled into thinking it’s all truthful. What this does, Mr. Limbaugh, is divide the people of the United States when we should all be fighting together against terrorism.
LIMBAUGH
That’s very eloquent, Mr. President. What do you think should be done with people like Michael Moore?
BUSH SR.
They should be tried for treason. If I had my way he would be tried, convicted and sentenced to the maximum allowable penalty under the law.
LIMBAUGH
No further questions.
JUDGE
Would the defense like to cross examine?
KORNBUS
Yes, your Honor.
JUDGE
Please proceed.
KORNBUS
Thank you. Mr. President, do you believe in the First Amendment and the right to freedom of speech?
BUSH SR.
Of course I do. What kind of question is that?
KORNBUS
As a proponent of said Amendment, why don’t you feel that Michael Moore has the right to speak his mind?
BUSH SR.
Because as I’ve said, he speaks nothing but lies. And those lies divide our country and aid terrorists.
KORNBUS
I see. That’s a rather interesting interpretation of our Constitution, sir. I have to hand it to you. So, you basically feel that when a person does something that causes a division in the opinions of Americans, that person is committing treason. Is that right?
BUSH SR.
Correct.
KORNBUS
When you and former President Reagan sold chemical weapons to Saddam Hussein, do you feel that counts as causing division in the country?
BUSH SR.
How dare you!
KORNBUS
Well, forgive me Mr. President, but I feel that act alone has caused more animosity towards this country than anything Michael Moore has ever done.
BUSH SR.
That’s ludicrous!
KORNBUS
It’s been very divisive. So, would you like to turn yourself in today as a person who has committed treason? We could get this trial started very quickly, I’m sure.
BUSH SR.
This is a mockery. Where the hell are you going with this?
KORNBUS
The facts are these: Saddam Hussein had no weapons of mass destruction, but the weapons he has had in the past he got from you, sir. Yes, Hussein is a horrible human being and yes he did use chemical weapons against the Kurds. But you share the blame in that too, don’t you? After all, you were part of the administration that showed him how to do it. You provided him with the ways and the means, including the satellite technology needed to pinpoint the intended targets. How can Michael Moore possibly compare to any of that?
BUSH SR
Well....I...uhm...
KORNBUS
Nothing further.
JUDGE
Please step down, Mr. President.
(Bush Sr. is escorted out by Secret Service, still looking confused)
JUDGE (cont’d)
Mr. Limbaugh, was that your last witness?
LIMBAUGH
Yes, your Honor. The prosecution rests.
JUDGE
Very well. We will take a recess and convene again on Friday with the defense’s first witnesses. Court is adjourned.
Charge #3: Michael Moore is Anti-American
JUDGE
Please be seated. Court is now in session. Mr. Limbaugh, call your next witness.
LIMBAUGH
The defense calls Ann Coulter to the stand
(Coulter takes the witness stand)
LIMBAUGH (Cont’d)
Ms. Coulter, for those not familiar with your work, please explain what it is that you do.
COULTER
I am an author and a co-host on the Fox News Channel.
LIMBAUGH
You’ve been brought here today to testify that Michael Moore is anti-American. Is this your feeling?
COULTER
Yes, it is.
LIMBAUGH
Please be specific. Why do you feel Michael Moore is anti-American?
COULTER
Because he is a left-wing nut. His movie, Fahrenheit 7/11, or whatever it’s called, does more to aid terrorists than protest them. It’s this type of “blame America first” nonsense that stirs up anti-American feelings around the world and provides fodder for groups like Al-Qaeda.
LIMBAUGH
How so?
COULTER
Well, think about it. Everytime a nut like Michael Moore publicly undermines the Presidency of George W. Bush, it gives rise to terrorist groups here and abroad. If we don’t support our President, we leave ourselves wide open to attack.
LIMBAUGH
Well put, Ms. Coulter. No further questions.
JUDGE
Would the defense care to cross examine?
KORNBUS
Yes. Ms. Coulter, you’ve stated that Mr. Moore’s film aids terrorists, correct?
COULTER
Yes.
KORNBUS
Would you also agree then, that President Bush’s habit of alienating countries like Canada and France, also could aid terrorists?
COULTER
No. That’s garbage! That is completely unfair.
KORNBUS
Ms. Coulter, do you remember saying that the United States should invade enemy nations and convert them all to Christianity?
COULTER
Uhm, yes. But I was being...
KORNBUS
Never mind what you were being. Statements like that give rise to the terrorists all around the world that hate the United States. In fact, statements like that are exactly why many nations hate our country.
COULTER
Baloney!
KORNBUS
No, ma’am, it’s not baloney. It’s exactly those type of imperialistic and jingoistic attitudes that breed terrorists like Osama bin Laden. It’s certainly not film makers like Michael Moore.
COULTER
Whatever. Michael Moore is the one trying to destroy the legitimacy of a sitting President.
KORNBUS
So, I gather it is your opinion that when Michael Moore, or a group of people in general, tries to undermine a President, that they are being anti-American. Would that be fair to state?
COULTER
Yes. And Michael Moore certainly is being anti-American.
KORNBUS
Ok. Let me make sure I understand. Michael Moore is anti-American because he wants to kick George W. Bush out of office.
COULTER
Yes.
KORNBUS
Then what would you call it when you and conservative groups across the nation were trying to oust Clinton?
COULTER
That’s different! That was a completely different...
KORNBUS
Save it! No further questions.
COULTER
This is bullshit! This is a travesty! Where’s the goddamn justice?
JUDGE
Quiet down, Ms. Coulter!! You are no longer a witness in this trial. Please exit the witness area and leave the courtroom.
COULTER
I will not leave the courtroom! This is the biggest crock of shit I have ever...
JUDGE
Ms. Coulter!! One more word out of you and you will be found in contempt.
COULTER
I find you in contempt!
JUDGE
Bailiff, remove this mental patient.
(Bailiff removes Coulter, who kicks and screams the entire way out.)
JUDGE (Cont’d)
There will be no more outbursts in my courtroom. Understand that now. No more! Mr. Limbaugh, would you like to call your next witness?
LIMBAUGH
Yes, I would like to call Newt Gingrich.
(Newt Gingrich takes the stand)
LIMABAUGH (cont’d)
Mr. Gingrich, what is your opinion of Michael Moore.
GINGRICH
That he is an anti-American idiot with an anti-American movie being shown in anti-American theaters.
LIMBAUGH
Wow! Very strong words, sir. I’ll keep this brief. Why do you feel Mr. Moore is anti-American?
GINGRICH
Because he cares more about countries like Canada and France then he does for the United States. Just look at what festivals he entered his little movie in.
LIMBAUGH
Please, tell the court what you mean.
GINGRICH
He entered it in Cannes, the French Film Festival. France of course is the same crummy country who turned their back on our Coalition of the Willing! And I’ll be damned if Michael Moore didn’t win the top prize at the festival. And isn’t that just fitting? Give the anti-American movie the top prize in a country who flaunts its disdain for our country.
LIMBAUGH
No further questions.
(Kornbus steps up to cross examine)
KORNBUS
Mr. Gingrich, I will also keep this brief. Where are your credentials?
GINGRICH
What credentials are you speaking of?
KORNBUS
The credentials that give you the jurisdiction of declaring what is American and what is not.
GINGRICH
I have no credentials such as those. However, I was Speaker of the House! I think I have a pretty good idea!
KORNBUS
Uh-huh. And is leaving your wife while she has cancer the American thing to do?
GINGRICH
How dare you, sir! How dare you bring my personal life into this trial!
KORNBUS
I apologize, Mr. Speaker. However, I felt that since you are so well versed in the aspects of Americanism, you would like to lecture us on how leaving your wife when she has cancer is American.
GINGRICH
I do not have to answer that!
KORNBUS
I think you just did, sir. Nothing further.
GINGRICH
Your Honor, are you just going to let him get away with this?
JUDGE
Oh, shut up, Newt. You disgust me. Get out of my courtroom.
(Newt huffs and puffs his way out)
JUDGE (cont’d)
Call your next witness, Mr. Limbaugh
LIMBAUGH
The prosecution calls Dennis Miller.
(Dennis Miller takes the stand)
LIMBAUGH (cont’d)
Mr. Miller, what is your opinion of Michael Moore?
MILLER
Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being.
LIMBAUGH
Do you find him to be anti-American?
MILLER
Yes, I do. He runs around with his stupid little microphone asking his stupid little questions. Meanwhile, we’ve got troops over in Iraq taking names and kicking ass. They’re over there defending our freedom and what Moore does cheapens their sacrifice.
LIMBAUGH
I see. Nothing further, your Honor.
JUDGE (to Kornbus)
Your witness.
KORNBUS
Thank you, your Honor. Mr. Miller, I know you support our troops. So does Michael Moore. You see, questioning an administration that sends our sons and daughters to die in a war for no reason is testament to that. Don’t you agree?
MILLER
Oh, Michael Moore is a stupid moron.
KORNBUS
You’re welcome to your opinion, sir. But don’t you think that...
MILLER
He is utterly, completely wrong. Just a waste of sperm and eggs!
KORNBUS
Dennis, I’m sure Mr. Bush appreciates your support, but wouldn’t you say...
MILLER
The audacity of a big, fat bastard like Michael Moore throwing roadblocks in the way of an effort to liberate Iraq. Christ!
KORNBUS
I remember when you used to be funny. Now I just feel sorry for you. No further questions for this witness. It’s pointless.
JUDGE
Step down, Mr. Miller.
(Dennis Miller leaves the witness area)
JUDGE (cont’d)
Do you have any other witnesses Mr. Limbaugh?
LIMBAUGH
Yes, your Honor. One more. The prosecution calls to the stand....former President, George Herbert Walker Bush!
(The former President, flanked by Secret Service, takes the stand)
LIMBAUGH (cont’d)
Mr. President, it’s a great honor to meet you.
BUSH SR.
Thank you. Likewise.
LIMBAUGH
Let’s get down to business, sir. You’ve come here today to help convince the judge and the world that Michael Moore is anti-American. What about him do you find to be anti-American?
BUSH SR.
Many things. My son is the current President of the United States and Michael Moore is trying his best to thwart his upcoming re-election. It makes me sick. Mr. Moore is nothing but a slime ball.
LIMBAUGH
How is he trying to thwart your son’s re-election?
BUSH SR.
By spreading lies about him. My boy went to Iraq for all the right reasons. The fact is that Saddam Hussein has been developing weapons of mass destruction for years. He is a dictator who has gassed his own people and suppressed even the most fundamental of human rights
LIMBAUGH
So you do not feel, as Michael Moore does, that our troops are being sent into a situation they do not belong in?
BUSH SR.
Correct. The allegations Michael Moore is throwing around are just B.S., plain and simple. His charges are baseless. Completely unfounded.
LIMBAUGH
And these lies he is telling about the reasons for war, how do they make him anti-American? Explain that.
BUSH SR.
Because they divide our country. My son campaigned and won on a platform of being a compassionate conservative. He is not a warmongering fascist. My son served as the Governor of Texas and was, in his own words, a uniter, not a divider. He brought people of all party affiliations together for the greater good. Now, when people like Michael Moore run around making false accusations, the citizens of this great country can be fooled into thinking it’s all truthful. What this does, Mr. Limbaugh, is divide the people of the United States when we should all be fighting together against terrorism.
LIMBAUGH
That’s very eloquent, Mr. President. What do you think should be done with people like Michael Moore?
BUSH SR.
They should be tried for treason. If I had my way he would be tried, convicted and sentenced to the maximum allowable penalty under the law.
LIMBAUGH
No further questions.
JUDGE
Would the defense like to cross examine?
KORNBUS
Yes, your Honor.
JUDGE
Please proceed.
KORNBUS
Thank you. Mr. President, do you believe in the First Amendment and the right to freedom of speech?
BUSH SR.
Of course I do. What kind of question is that?
KORNBUS
As a proponent of said Amendment, why don’t you feel that Michael Moore has the right to speak his mind?
BUSH SR.
Because as I’ve said, he speaks nothing but lies. And those lies divide our country and aid terrorists.
KORNBUS
I see. That’s a rather interesting interpretation of our Constitution, sir. I have to hand it to you. So, you basically feel that when a person does something that causes a division in the opinions of Americans, that person is committing treason. Is that right?
BUSH SR.
Correct.
KORNBUS
When you and former President Reagan sold chemical weapons to Saddam Hussein, do you feel that counts as causing division in the country?
BUSH SR.
How dare you!
KORNBUS
Well, forgive me Mr. President, but I feel that act alone has caused more animosity towards this country than anything Michael Moore has ever done.
BUSH SR.
That’s ludicrous!
KORNBUS
It’s been very divisive. So, would you like to turn yourself in today as a person who has committed treason? We could get this trial started very quickly, I’m sure.
BUSH SR.
This is a mockery. Where the hell are you going with this?
KORNBUS
The facts are these: Saddam Hussein had no weapons of mass destruction, but the weapons he has had in the past he got from you, sir. Yes, Hussein is a horrible human being and yes he did use chemical weapons against the Kurds. But you share the blame in that too, don’t you? After all, you were part of the administration that showed him how to do it. You provided him with the ways and the means, including the satellite technology needed to pinpoint the intended targets. How can Michael Moore possibly compare to any of that?
BUSH SR
Well....I...uhm...
KORNBUS
Nothing further.
JUDGE
Please step down, Mr. President.
(Bush Sr. is escorted out by Secret Service, still looking confused)
JUDGE (cont’d)
Mr. Limbaugh, was that your last witness?
LIMBAUGH
Yes, your Honor. The prosecution rests.
JUDGE
Very well. We will take a recess and convene again on Friday with the defense’s first witnesses. Court is adjourned.
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