Saturday, August 07, 2004
FINDING MY PARENT'S PORN: VOLUME ONE
I was about fourteen years old the day I found the first of my dad’s porno tapes. It was a very exciting time for me, as I’m sure it is for any boy. Things like this didn’t just happen every day, after all.
Knowing that this was too big of a discovery to keep to myself, the first thing I did was call my friend Jeff. Jeff was a guy I’d been hanging out with for the past few years. We met in the sixth grade and quickly found out that we both liked comic books and video games. Friendships were made very easily in those days. I knew he would be just as excited as I was about the tape, so I had to invite him over to check it out.
He didn’t live very far away. Maybe ten minutes by bike, so I was sure he could make it over in a hurry. Timing was of the essence because we had to watch this thing and get it back to where my dad left it all before my mom got home from work. While I was pacing in the living room with the object of dad’s lust in my hand, I heard the unmistakable sound of a bike’s tires skidding to a halt. I looked out the front door and saw Jeff walking up the driveway, his face flush with anticipation.
The idea of porn to a teenager is like a burst of caffeine. An adrenaline shot straight to the brain. Everything you do is faster, so that ten minute bike ride had only taken Jeff about four. I let him in my house and our conversation picked up right where it left off on the phone. The word “dude” factored heavily in his vocabulary.
“Dude, where’d you find it?” he asked.
“Underneath a night stand next to my parent’s bed.”
“Aww dude, this is so freakin’ awesome! Dude!!” he was thrilled. “You gotta put it in.”
The tape was actually a Sherlock Holmes video that had been taped over. So, instead of saying “XXX” on the label, it said “Woman in Green.” However, my manly animal instincts told me you didn’t hide a mystery movie underneath a night stand unless you didn’t want your kid and his friend to unlock its secret. I was right.
I popped the tape into the VCR. It was not rewound all the way, but when I pushed play it didn’t seem to matter that we’d missed the major plot points. There were boobs. There were butts. It was beautiful! We were ecstatic.
We were living in the 90’s but this was pure 80’s era porn at it’s finest. The girls had cheesy hair and the guys were very hairy. Plus, a stewardess entering the cockpit and uttering dialogue like, “Coffee, tea or me?” tipped us off. But still, we couldn’t have been happier about it.
After scanning through the tape, it was clear that my dad had compiled a virtual best-of edition of 80’s porn. It was actually pretty funny. At the beginning of the tape was a contest called “Best Chest in the U.S.” which actually featured chests that weren’t all that impressive in hindsight, but at the time was tremendous.
Also featured was a guy who somehow managed to get three attractive girl scouts naked on his bed so he could say things like, “I am the cookie monster. And I’m going to eat your cookies,” before he screwed them. All in all, it was entertaining to say the least.
But perhaps the funniest thing about watching it was due to the fact it had all been taped off of television. You see, in the middle of a sex scene, the channel would randomly change to an infomercial or some other type of paid programming. This could only indicate that my mom or brother had meandered into the living room where my dad was watching and he had to quickly change the channel. I can only imagine his frustration at having to go from enjoying porn to watching “Amazing Discoveries” at 3am while another family member raided the fridge.
Anyway, when all was said and done, we quickly rewound the tape back to the scene we started at so my dad wouldn’t be tipped off, then placed it back under the night stand with care. No one would ever be the wiser.
It certainly wasn’t my last discovery of my dad’s porn collection. No, in fact, many more discoveries were to follow. Movies, magazines, condoms and assorted sex toys would eventually be uncovered in my desperate attempts to prove my dad was a total sex maniac. You see, what my dad didn’t know, and probably still doesn’t know today, is that I am a true excavator of porn. What Indiana Jones was to finding artifacts, I became to finding porn. With me in the house, his secrets were never safe.
More adventures to come in the continuing story of “Indiana Bones and the Temple of Poon,”..........
I was about fourteen years old the day I found the first of my dad’s porno tapes. It was a very exciting time for me, as I’m sure it is for any boy. Things like this didn’t just happen every day, after all.
Knowing that this was too big of a discovery to keep to myself, the first thing I did was call my friend Jeff. Jeff was a guy I’d been hanging out with for the past few years. We met in the sixth grade and quickly found out that we both liked comic books and video games. Friendships were made very easily in those days. I knew he would be just as excited as I was about the tape, so I had to invite him over to check it out.
He didn’t live very far away. Maybe ten minutes by bike, so I was sure he could make it over in a hurry. Timing was of the essence because we had to watch this thing and get it back to where my dad left it all before my mom got home from work. While I was pacing in the living room with the object of dad’s lust in my hand, I heard the unmistakable sound of a bike’s tires skidding to a halt. I looked out the front door and saw Jeff walking up the driveway, his face flush with anticipation.
The idea of porn to a teenager is like a burst of caffeine. An adrenaline shot straight to the brain. Everything you do is faster, so that ten minute bike ride had only taken Jeff about four. I let him in my house and our conversation picked up right where it left off on the phone. The word “dude” factored heavily in his vocabulary.
“Dude, where’d you find it?” he asked.
“Underneath a night stand next to my parent’s bed.”
“Aww dude, this is so freakin’ awesome! Dude!!” he was thrilled. “You gotta put it in.”
The tape was actually a Sherlock Holmes video that had been taped over. So, instead of saying “XXX” on the label, it said “Woman in Green.” However, my manly animal instincts told me you didn’t hide a mystery movie underneath a night stand unless you didn’t want your kid and his friend to unlock its secret. I was right.
I popped the tape into the VCR. It was not rewound all the way, but when I pushed play it didn’t seem to matter that we’d missed the major plot points. There were boobs. There were butts. It was beautiful! We were ecstatic.
We were living in the 90’s but this was pure 80’s era porn at it’s finest. The girls had cheesy hair and the guys were very hairy. Plus, a stewardess entering the cockpit and uttering dialogue like, “Coffee, tea or me?” tipped us off. But still, we couldn’t have been happier about it.
After scanning through the tape, it was clear that my dad had compiled a virtual best-of edition of 80’s porn. It was actually pretty funny. At the beginning of the tape was a contest called “Best Chest in the U.S.” which actually featured chests that weren’t all that impressive in hindsight, but at the time was tremendous.
Also featured was a guy who somehow managed to get three attractive girl scouts naked on his bed so he could say things like, “I am the cookie monster. And I’m going to eat your cookies,” before he screwed them. All in all, it was entertaining to say the least.
But perhaps the funniest thing about watching it was due to the fact it had all been taped off of television. You see, in the middle of a sex scene, the channel would randomly change to an infomercial or some other type of paid programming. This could only indicate that my mom or brother had meandered into the living room where my dad was watching and he had to quickly change the channel. I can only imagine his frustration at having to go from enjoying porn to watching “Amazing Discoveries” at 3am while another family member raided the fridge.
Anyway, when all was said and done, we quickly rewound the tape back to the scene we started at so my dad wouldn’t be tipped off, then placed it back under the night stand with care. No one would ever be the wiser.
It certainly wasn’t my last discovery of my dad’s porn collection. No, in fact, many more discoveries were to follow. Movies, magazines, condoms and assorted sex toys would eventually be uncovered in my desperate attempts to prove my dad was a total sex maniac. You see, what my dad didn’t know, and probably still doesn’t know today, is that I am a true excavator of porn. What Indiana Jones was to finding artifacts, I became to finding porn. With me in the house, his secrets were never safe.
More adventures to come in the continuing story of “Indiana Bones and the Temple of Poon,”..........
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