Kornbus, Inc.

DEADLY WEATHER AND ACTS OF GOD

With all this talk of tropical storms in the news lately, it has gotten me to thinking about the weather, hurricanes and tornadoes especially.

It seems that whenever the weather in a given area results in death and destruction, it is generally referred to time and time again as an “act of God.” When I hear this I think, “If this is an act of God, then God must be one mean son of a bitch.” I mean, if my house is levelled by a category 5 tornado, am I supposed to feel blessed?

“Oh, what a wonderful day! My home is destroyed, half of my family is dead and my Superman underwear are in a tree around the corner....praise the Lord! Hallelujah!!”

Hurricanes Frances and Ivan have killed dozens of people in the past week. With that being said, I hope the folks over at the Weather Channel are on the horn to the Pope. I do believe we got ourselves a good, old-fashioned miracle on our hands.

THE MASOCHISTIC STATES OF AMERICA

i swear, this goddamn country can be so masochistic sometimes. We say we want a President who tells the truth, so we elect a liar. We want a President who is for the working man, so we elect a president who screws the middle class.

Bush might as well start dressing up as a dominatrix, complete with leather outfit, whips and nipple clamps. Instead of calling him President, we can just call him "Mistress Bush" or something. Then, instead of claiming outrage when he pisses everyone off, we can just say “Thank you Mistress, may we have another?”


MCCAIN, WE HARDLY KNEW YE

Does anyone else remember not too long ago when John McCain was cast as a progressive among conservatives in the Republican Party?

Four years ago McCain was a worthy challenger in the primaries against George W. Bush. McCain was a war hero and a no-BS kind of guy. A real straight shooter. He had a great shot at winning the nomination until an “independent” smear ad reared up on the eve of a crucial South Carolina primary. It cast McCain as a nut job who had gone off the deep end after years in a POW camp during the Vietnam War.

Aside from that, Bush’s spin doctor, Karl Rove, initiated a plan that would prey on South Carolina’s racism. It seems that in phone push polls leading up the election, pollsters would ask questions like, "Would it change your opinion of John McCain if you knew that he fathered an illegitimate african american child?" In present day South Carolina, one doesn’t really have to prove a claim like that. All you really have to do is insinuate it, as they did there to perfection. Then, you can send GW to a speaking gig over at ultra white-wing Bob Jones University and South Carolina has themselves a decision to make. Do you vote for the Vietnam vet for reform who may have sired a black baby, or the redneck?

Luckily for George Bush and Karl Rove, enough South Carolinians were thinking things like, “What? McCain has a nigger baby? McCain’s a nigger lover? To hell with that looney bird POW, I’m pulling the lever for the hillbilly oil man.” Yes, voters bought into it. McCain lost his bid for the nomination.

George Bush and his buddy Karl Rove would later go on to smear Al Gore and snatch the Presidency, but it is their latest attack against John Kerry that troubles me more as it relates to McCain.

The “independently funded” Swift Boat Veterans For Truth have began attacking Kerry’s war record. It seems that Kerry may have only taken a few dozen pieces of shrapnel to obtain his Purple Heart and not a bullet as it states in the official record. I’m sure the Swift Boat vets know this, since only one of the hundreds of men in the organization actually served alongside Kerry during the war. But I digress...

McCain stepped up to the plate initially and called these attack ads “dishonest and dishonorable.” He challenged Bush to disavow them, which the President finally did, although it was weeks after the damage had been done to Mr. Kerry’s reputation. The act wasn’t much different from a general calling a ceasefire after his troops had already burned the village to the ground.

But what I can’t stand is to see McCain speaking at the Republican Convention and stooging for Bush, the same man who has engaged in smear campaigns against him and others. The same President he has accused of feeding off “dishonest and dishonorable” attack ads is now the man he stumps for. McCain, who used to be a man of integrity, has now turned into a man who can’t suck that big, fat Republican dick fast enough.

FINDING MY PARENT'S PORN: VOLUME ONE

I was about fourteen years old the day I found the first of my dad’s porno tapes. It was a very exciting time for me, as I’m sure it is for any boy. Things like this didn’t just happen every day, after all.

Knowing that this was too big of a discovery to keep to myself, the first thing I did was call my friend Jeff. Jeff was a guy I’d been hanging out with for the past few years. We met in the sixth grade and quickly found out that we both liked comic books and video games. Friendships were made very easily in those days. I knew he would be just as excited as I was about the tape, so I had to invite him over to check it out.

He didn’t live very far away. Maybe ten minutes by bike, so I was sure he could make it over in a hurry. Timing was of the essence because we had to watch this thing and get it back to where my dad left it all before my mom got home from work. While I was pacing in the living room with the object of dad’s lust in my hand, I heard the unmistakable sound of a bike’s tires skidding to a halt. I looked out the front door and saw Jeff walking up the driveway, his face flush with anticipation.

The idea of porn to a teenager is like a burst of caffeine. An adrenaline shot straight to the brain. Everything you do is faster, so that ten minute bike ride had only taken Jeff about four. I let him in my house and our conversation picked up right where it left off on the phone. The word “dude” factored heavily in his vocabulary.

“Dude, where’d you find it?” he asked.

“Underneath a night stand next to my parent’s bed.”

“Aww dude, this is so freakin’ awesome! Dude!!” he was thrilled. “You gotta put it in.”

The tape was actually a Sherlock Holmes video that had been taped over. So, instead of saying “XXX” on the label, it said “Woman in Green.” However, my manly animal instincts told me you didn’t hide a mystery movie underneath a night stand unless you didn’t want your kid and his friend to unlock its secret. I was right.

I popped the tape into the VCR. It was not rewound all the way, but when I pushed play it didn’t seem to matter that we’d missed the major plot points. There were boobs. There were butts. It was beautiful! We were ecstatic.

We were living in the 90’s but this was pure 80’s era porn at it’s finest. The girls had cheesy hair and the guys were very hairy. Plus, a stewardess entering the cockpit and uttering dialogue like, “Coffee, tea or me?” tipped us off. But still, we couldn’t have been happier about it.

After scanning through the tape, it was clear that my dad had compiled a virtual best-of edition of 80’s porn. It was actually pretty funny. At the beginning of the tape was a contest called “Best Chest in the U.S.” which actually featured chests that weren’t all that impressive in hindsight, but at the time was tremendous.

Also featured was a guy who somehow managed to get three attractive girl scouts naked on his bed so he could say things like, “I am the cookie monster. And I’m going to eat your cookies,” before he screwed them. All in all, it was entertaining to say the least.

But perhaps the funniest thing about watching it was due to the fact it had all been taped off of television. You see, in the middle of a sex scene, the channel would randomly change to an infomercial or some other type of paid programming. This could only indicate that my mom or brother had meandered into the living room where my dad was watching and he had to quickly change the channel. I can only imagine his frustration at having to go from enjoying porn to watching “Amazing Discoveries” at 3am while another family member raided the fridge.

Anyway, when all was said and done, we quickly rewound the tape back to the scene we started at so my dad wouldn’t be tipped off, then placed it back under the night stand with care. No one would ever be the wiser.

It certainly wasn’t my last discovery of my dad’s porn collection. No, in fact, many more discoveries were to follow. Movies, magazines, condoms and assorted sex toys would eventually be uncovered in my desperate attempts to prove my dad was a total sex maniac. You see, what my dad didn’t know, and probably still doesn’t know today, is that I am a true excavator of porn. What Indiana Jones was to finding artifacts, I became to finding porn. With me in the house, his secrets were never safe.

More adventures to come in the continuing story of “Indiana Bones and the Temple of Poon,”..........

BLAH BLAH BLAH

Ok, so here's the deal...sure I could talk about the Democratic National Convention or the stuff that's pissing me off on a day to day basis, but what's the use? There's time for that later. Right now I'm going to start focusing on trying to write a little more funny material for the ol' weblog. Besides, I just had my 24th birthday and I figure I should laugh a little more often. Anyway, I guess I'll see what happens with this latest resolution....stay tuned.

WHY THEY HATE US

So why do the terrorists hate us?

Is it because of our ties to the Saudi Royals? After all, this is the family that presides over a nation which tops the list of human right violators year after year. While President Bush entertains Prince Bandar at the White House, the Saudi government is busy back home torturing and executing political prisoners. According to Amnesty International, their crimes included nothing more than protesting and being critical of the state.

Or could it be due to our support of Israel? The two billion dollars in aid we give to them annually directly funds their army, which killed approximately 600 Palestinians last year alone. Of these deaths, over 100 were children. Many were butchered by reckless shooting and bombing campaigns in civilian residential areas that our tax dollars help make happen.

So are these the reasons that the terrorists hate us? Nah. I’m sure it’s just because of our freedom.

SINCERELY YOURS, AGAIN....

I just want to give a big thank you to the Toledo City Paper whose editorial assistant, Misty Walker, has agreed to publish my Fahrenheit 9/11 opinion. As my previous post indicated, I originally submitted it to the Toledo Blade. I understand that publication with that paper is not likely due to the vast amount of letters they get everyday. However, the Toledo City Paper publishes a great weekly collection of information based on local interest and national news stories, so I decided to send it their way as well. Definitely check them out, as I do regularly. You can find copies at many convenience stores, as well as your local library, free of charge.

SINCERELY YOURS

I decided to write a letter for the opinion page of my local paper, the Toledo Blade. In case it’s not printed, I’ll post it here for anyone with interest to read:


Am I the only one sick of hearing people label “Fahrenheit 9/11” as being full of lies without actually providing evidence?

Rush Limbaugh and Bill O’Reilly are among the worst at this. They both continue to state that the movie claims the “bin Laden flights” out of the country after Sept. 11th took place while everyone else was still grounded. This is simply untrue. Moore clearly states these flights took place after Sept. 13th, which is when the FAA began to lift regulations. O’Reilly in particular should be ashamed of himself. A respected journalist such as he should get his information straight before reporting it to the public. But then again, he admits to only watching half of the film.

Fahrenheit 9/11 is a means to get a dialogue going. You can disagree with Moore’s opinions, but thus far I’m not hearing anything that discredits his facts. So if you’re going to make accusations like these, please offer some proof to back up your case. Show me that Toledoans can be more objective than the O’Reilly’s and Limbaugh’s of the world.

THE TRIAL OF MICHAEL MOORE: DAY SIX

The Verdict

JUDGE
Please be seated. Court is now in session. Today is the final day of this trial; Republicans vs. Michael Moore. I have listened intently to all testimony and heard all evidence submitted. After studying everything in my chambers over the past several days, I have come to a decision. I will read that decision now.

As it pertains to count one, that Michael Moore’s film is one-sided, I have decided to throw it out. Offering a one-sided argument against war and the foreign policy of the President is not a crime and is not worthy of being argued in open court. The witness, Mr. Sean Hannity, was unable to convince me that Mr. Moore was offering anything more than a reaction to the events that have transpired over the past year and a half in our country. There is no evidence that Michael Moore ever marketed his film as anything other than said reaction. Therefore, this was an easy decision to throw the claim out.

Count two is legitimate. Mr. Limbaugh and the prosecution stated that Michael Moore is a liar and that his film was full of lies about the Bush administration and its reasons for the Iraq War. The testimony and evidence submitted was very interesting, however, the prosecution did nothing to convince me that Fahrenheit 9/11 has a single lie in it. You cannot simply utter this claim without having supporting evidence. You may not like Mr. Moore, his opinions, or his film...but it is immoral to call him a liar without backing it up. On the other hand, over the course of this trial, the defense was able to clearly show me that Michael Moore’s film is factual in nature. Since the prosecution was not able to prove otherwise, I simply must render a not guilty verdict for this charge.

Finally, count three, that Michael Moore is anti-American was argued. This I studied closely. Surely, calling someone anti-American is a bit subjective and open to interpretation. Because someone criticizes the President, does this make him un-American? I feel strongly that it does not, though clearly the answer depends on the eye of the beholder. However, I had to look at this purely from a legal standpoint. Was Michael Moore treasonous by criticizing the President, his policies and his justifications for war? According to our Constitution, the supreme law of the land, a person being charged with treason must either confess to it or have two witnesses to the act come forth. In this case, neither has occurred. The defense has not met the burden of proof that Mr. Moore was levying war against the United States or offering aid and comfort to its enemies. Therefore, once again, I must find Michael Moore not guilty.

In conclusion, the defense has failed to meet its burden and has not convinced me of any of their arguments. Michael Moore is free to go. Court is adjourned.

THE TRIAL OF MICHAEL MOORE: DAY FIVE

Closing Arguments

JUDGE
Court is in session. Today will begin closing arguments. I will hear the defense first, then the prosecution. Is the defense ready to proceed?

KORNBUS
Yes.

JUDGE
You have the floor.

KORNBUS
Thank you, your Honor. During this trial we have heard Michael Moore be charged with three things. First, that his film is one sided. We countered that by showing that Moore was merely offering an alternative to the one sided news Americans get night in and night out on the broadcast networks and from Fox News.

Secondly, my client was charged with being a liar. With falsifying claims in his film to slander and defame President Bush. However, the defense was able to show that Michael Moore’s film is factually accurate. His opinions may be biased, and the Limbaugh’s and O’Reilly’s of the world have a right to disagree with said opinions, but that the facts he states are provable.

Lastly, Mr. Moore was charged with being anti-American. But we were able to easily show that he has every right to ask the questions he is asking and that by dissenting against the Bush administration, he is not in any way being treasonous.

The facts are these: controlled media and blowhards across the country cannot disprove any of what Michael Moore is stating as fact. By name-calling and lobbing childish insults, conservatives are cheapening the need for debate and a discussion of the issues. It is this schoolyard behavior that makes me wonder how they ever get into power to begin with. Why is it that millions and millions of people tune in daily to Limbaugh’s radio show and read Ann Coulter’s columns and watch Sean Hannity on television? Why do Americans tolerate commentators and journalists who effect the level of public discourse by stifling debate and engage instead in playground insults as a way to prove their point? I don’t have the answer to these questions. But I think the tide could be turning. There are a lot of Americans who are sick of it and their anger could be just what causes George W. Bush to be a one term president.

If this happens, no one can really blame Michael Moore. Instead, they should blame themselves. Thank you.

JUDGE
Mr. Limbaugh, I will hear your closing argument now.

LIMBAUGH
Thank you. The prosecution has indeed proved the basic tenets of our case against Michael Moore. We have presented evidence which backs up our claims and offered corroborative testimony from several journalists and pundits. I feel I have a rock-solid case.

Michael Moore’s film is one sided and for that, he should be punished. Michael Moore is a liar and he needs to face consequences for his actions. Finally, Michael Moore is anti-American and should be held for treason against his country. There is only one right thing to do, and that is to come back with a guilty verdict on all counts. Thank you.

JUDGE
We have reached the end of all testimony and all arguments. The evidence has been submitted into the record and I will now retire to my chambers to consider it fairly. We will recess until I have reached a verdict on all three counts and meet back here for the final time no later than Saturday. Court is adjourned.

THE TRIAL OF MICHAEL MOORE: DAY FOUR

Defense Testimony

JUDGE
Please be seated. Court is now in session. Today we will begin Defense testimony. A witness will be called and examined by the defender and then the prosecution will have an opportunity to cross. Let’s begin now. Will the Defense call their first witness?

KORNBUS
Yes, your Honor. The Defense calls Michael Moore to the stand.

(Michael Moore takes the witness chair)

KORNBUS (cont’d)
Hello, Michael. How are you today?

MOORE
I’m very well, thank you.

KORNBUS
I had not even planned on calling you as a witness, but you insisted, didn’t you?

MOORE
Yes. I wanted a chance to respond personally to the allegations against me.

KORNBUS
Well, let’s begin. The first charge that the prosecution argued in this trial was that your film, Fahrenheit 9/11, is full of lies. How do you respond to that?

MOORE
I would respond by saying that the people who say that type of stuff probably haven’t seen my film. Or, if they have, haven’t bothered to do any research themselves.

KORNBUS
What do you think about the people who judge your film without seeing it?

MOORE
I think they are acting in an immoral and dishonest way. I feel that way especially with people like Mr. Limbaugh and Mr. O’Reilly, who have a wide audience of people who trust them. The fact of the matter is, they are 2 of the most respected voices in radio and news, particularly O’Reilly. Millions and millions of folks tune into their shows wanting to hear the truth. And for them to just pander to a party line without doing any fact checking, well, that’s upsetting.

KORNBUS
Speaking of fact checking, how do you operate in that department?

MOORE
I hire fact checkers for all of my projects, Fahrenheit 9/11 included. For this movie I hired three teams of lawyers and the one-time fact checkers for the New Yorker to go through it with a fine-tooth comb to find any inaccuracies. What you see in the theaters is 100% accurate and true. I guarantee you of that. The opinions in the film are mine and anyone has a right to disagree with them. But the facts stated are irrefutable. I am actually thinking about offering a $10,000 reward to anyone who can find one stated fact in the movie that isn’t the truth.

KORNBUS
Wow, that would be very interesting.

MOORE
Yes, it would. It would shut up a lot of the people who spout off about how inaccurate it is but have nothing to back up their claims. I mean, look, I welcome a discussion of the issues. That’s why I made the movie. But a lot of these pundits and talking heads are just adhering to a party line when they make these kind of accusations. All I ask is that if you feel the movie is riddled with lies, prove it. Show me that I’m wrong before you judge me.

KORNBUS
That seems fair to me. And Michael, what about the people who testified that you are anti-American? How do you wish to respond to that?

MOORE
That was hurtful. Because I don’t understand the charge. What is more American than asking questions? It was Thomas Jefferson who said that “dissent is the highest form of patriotism.” And that’s all I’m trying to do. I don’t put much stock is just blindly following the leadership of this country. You can get into big trouble that way. The citizens of this country are always supposed to be checking over the shoulders of their elected officials. They are paid to serve the people. It’s not the other way around.

KORNBUS
Some people feel you are a propagandist. Is that true?

MOORE
I guess in some ways I am. But my work is a reactionary response to the propaganda that spews out of Washington D.C. each and every day. Isn’t it propaganda when George Bush goes on television and tells the American people that Al-Qaeda and Iraq were in cahoots? Isn’t it propaganda when we’re told that the “terrorists hate our freedom” or that Saddam Hussein was building weapons of mass destruction? I think so. But the only difference between my propaganda and theirs is that I can back mine up. What I say is the truth. Where’s the proof behind the charge that Saddam and Osama were working together? There isn’t any. Where’s the weapons of mass destruction? They can’t find them. Do the terrorists really hate our freedom or are they angry because we ally ourselves with the Saudi Royals while that country tops Amnesty International’s list of human rights violators? These are questions I feel I have every right to ask and be given the answers to. And I’m going to keep asking them until I do.

KORNBUS
No further questions.

JUDGE
Would the prosecution care to cross-examine the witness?

LIMBAUGH
Uh...no. I can’t think of anything to refute what he just said.

JUDGE
Very well. Would the defense like to call another witness?

KORNBUS
No, your Honor. The defense rests.

JUDGE
Excellent. We will recess until Wednesday, when closing arguments will begin. After closing arguments are given, I will give my decision. Court is adjourned until then.

THE TRIAL OF MICHAEL MOORE: DAY THREE

Charge #3: Michael Moore is Anti-American

JUDGE
Please be seated. Court is now in session. Mr. Limbaugh, call your next witness.

LIMBAUGH
The defense calls Ann Coulter to the stand

(Coulter takes the witness stand)

LIMBAUGH (Cont’d)
Ms. Coulter, for those not familiar with your work, please explain what it is that you do.

COULTER
I am an author and a co-host on the Fox News Channel.

LIMBAUGH
You’ve been brought here today to testify that Michael Moore is anti-American. Is this your feeling?

COULTER
Yes, it is.

LIMBAUGH
Please be specific. Why do you feel Michael Moore is anti-American?

COULTER
Because he is a left-wing nut. His movie, Fahrenheit 7/11, or whatever it’s called, does more to aid terrorists than protest them. It’s this type of “blame America first” nonsense that stirs up anti-American feelings around the world and provides fodder for groups like Al-Qaeda.

LIMBAUGH
How so?

COULTER
Well, think about it. Everytime a nut like Michael Moore publicly undermines the Presidency of George W. Bush, it gives rise to terrorist groups here and abroad. If we don’t support our President, we leave ourselves wide open to attack.

LIMBAUGH
Well put, Ms. Coulter. No further questions.

JUDGE
Would the defense care to cross examine?

KORNBUS
Yes. Ms. Coulter, you’ve stated that Mr. Moore’s film aids terrorists, correct?

COULTER
Yes.

KORNBUS
Would you also agree then, that President Bush’s habit of alienating countries like Canada and France, also could aid terrorists?

COULTER
No. That’s garbage! That is completely unfair.

KORNBUS
Ms. Coulter, do you remember saying that the United States should invade enemy nations and convert them all to Christianity?

COULTER
Uhm, yes. But I was being...

KORNBUS
Never mind what you were being. Statements like that give rise to the terrorists all around the world that hate the United States. In fact, statements like that are exactly why many nations hate our country.

COULTER
Baloney!

KORNBUS
No, ma’am, it’s not baloney. It’s exactly those type of imperialistic and jingoistic attitudes that breed terrorists like Osama bin Laden. It’s certainly not film makers like Michael Moore.

COULTER
Whatever. Michael Moore is the one trying to destroy the legitimacy of a sitting President.

KORNBUS
So, I gather it is your opinion that when Michael Moore, or a group of people in general, tries to undermine a President, that they are being anti-American. Would that be fair to state?

COULTER
Yes. And Michael Moore certainly is being anti-American.

KORNBUS
Ok. Let me make sure I understand. Michael Moore is anti-American because he wants to kick George W. Bush out of office.

COULTER
Yes.

KORNBUS
Then what would you call it when you and conservative groups across the nation were trying to oust Clinton?

COULTER
That’s different! That was a completely different...

KORNBUS
Save it! No further questions.

COULTER
This is bullshit! This is a travesty! Where’s the goddamn justice?

JUDGE
Quiet down, Ms. Coulter!! You are no longer a witness in this trial. Please exit the witness area and leave the courtroom.

COULTER
I will not leave the courtroom! This is the biggest crock of shit I have ever...

JUDGE
Ms. Coulter!! One more word out of you and you will be found in contempt.

COULTER
I find you in contempt!

JUDGE
Bailiff, remove this mental patient.

(Bailiff removes Coulter, who kicks and screams the entire way out.)

JUDGE (Cont’d)
There will be no more outbursts in my courtroom. Understand that now. No more! Mr. Limbaugh, would you like to call your next witness?

LIMBAUGH
Yes, I would like to call Newt Gingrich.

(Newt Gingrich takes the stand)

LIMABAUGH (cont’d)
Mr. Gingrich, what is your opinion of Michael Moore.

GINGRICH
That he is an anti-American idiot with an anti-American movie being shown in anti-American theaters.

LIMBAUGH
Wow! Very strong words, sir. I’ll keep this brief. Why do you feel Mr. Moore is anti-American?

GINGRICH
Because he cares more about countries like Canada and France then he does for the United States. Just look at what festivals he entered his little movie in.

LIMBAUGH
Please, tell the court what you mean.

GINGRICH
He entered it in Cannes, the French Film Festival. France of course is the same crummy country who turned their back on our Coalition of the Willing! And I’ll be damned if Michael Moore didn’t win the top prize at the festival. And isn’t that just fitting? Give the anti-American movie the top prize in a country who flaunts its disdain for our country.

LIMBAUGH
No further questions.

(Kornbus steps up to cross examine)

KORNBUS
Mr. Gingrich, I will also keep this brief. Where are your credentials?

GINGRICH
What credentials are you speaking of?

KORNBUS
The credentials that give you the jurisdiction of declaring what is American and what is not.

GINGRICH
I have no credentials such as those. However, I was Speaker of the House! I think I have a pretty good idea!

KORNBUS
Uh-huh. And is leaving your wife while she has cancer the American thing to do?

GINGRICH
How dare you, sir! How dare you bring my personal life into this trial!

KORNBUS
I apologize, Mr. Speaker. However, I felt that since you are so well versed in the aspects of Americanism, you would like to lecture us on how leaving your wife when she has cancer is American.

GINGRICH
I do not have to answer that!

KORNBUS
I think you just did, sir. Nothing further.

GINGRICH
Your Honor, are you just going to let him get away with this?

JUDGE
Oh, shut up, Newt. You disgust me. Get out of my courtroom.

(Newt huffs and puffs his way out)

JUDGE (cont’d)
Call your next witness, Mr. Limbaugh

LIMBAUGH
The prosecution calls Dennis Miller.

(Dennis Miller takes the stand)

LIMBAUGH (cont’d)
Mr. Miller, what is your opinion of Michael Moore?

MILLER
Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being.

LIMBAUGH
Do you find him to be anti-American?

MILLER
Yes, I do. He runs around with his stupid little microphone asking his stupid little questions. Meanwhile, we’ve got troops over in Iraq taking names and kicking ass. They’re over there defending our freedom and what Moore does cheapens their sacrifice.

LIMBAUGH
I see. Nothing further, your Honor.

JUDGE (to Kornbus)
Your witness.

KORNBUS
Thank you, your Honor. Mr. Miller, I know you support our troops. So does Michael Moore. You see, questioning an administration that sends our sons and daughters to die in a war for no reason is testament to that. Don’t you agree?

MILLER
Oh, Michael Moore is a stupid moron.

KORNBUS
You’re welcome to your opinion, sir. But don’t you think that...

MILLER
He is utterly, completely wrong. Just a waste of sperm and eggs!

KORNBUS
Dennis, I’m sure Mr. Bush appreciates your support, but wouldn’t you say...

MILLER
The audacity of a big, fat bastard like Michael Moore throwing roadblocks in the way of an effort to liberate Iraq. Christ!

KORNBUS
I remember when you used to be funny. Now I just feel sorry for you. No further questions for this witness. It’s pointless.

JUDGE
Step down, Mr. Miller.

(Dennis Miller leaves the witness area)

JUDGE (cont’d)
Do you have any other witnesses Mr. Limbaugh?

LIMBAUGH
Yes, your Honor. One more. The prosecution calls to the stand....former President, George Herbert Walker Bush!

(The former President, flanked by Secret Service, takes the stand)

LIMBAUGH (cont’d)
Mr. President, it’s a great honor to meet you.

BUSH SR.
Thank you. Likewise.

LIMBAUGH
Let’s get down to business, sir. You’ve come here today to help convince the judge and the world that Michael Moore is anti-American. What about him do you find to be anti-American?

BUSH SR.
Many things. My son is the current President of the United States and Michael Moore is trying his best to thwart his upcoming re-election. It makes me sick. Mr. Moore is nothing but a slime ball.

LIMBAUGH
How is he trying to thwart your son’s re-election?

BUSH SR.
By spreading lies about him. My boy went to Iraq for all the right reasons. The fact is that Saddam Hussein has been developing weapons of mass destruction for years. He is a dictator who has gassed his own people and suppressed even the most fundamental of human rights

LIMBAUGH
So you do not feel, as Michael Moore does, that our troops are being sent into a situation they do not belong in?

BUSH SR.
Correct. The allegations Michael Moore is throwing around are just B.S., plain and simple. His charges are baseless. Completely unfounded.

LIMBAUGH
And these lies he is telling about the reasons for war, how do they make him anti-American? Explain that.

BUSH SR.
Because they divide our country. My son campaigned and won on a platform of being a compassionate conservative. He is not a warmongering fascist. My son served as the Governor of Texas and was, in his own words, a uniter, not a divider. He brought people of all party affiliations together for the greater good. Now, when people like Michael Moore run around making false accusations, the citizens of this great country can be fooled into thinking it’s all truthful. What this does, Mr. Limbaugh, is divide the people of the United States when we should all be fighting together against terrorism.

LIMBAUGH
That’s very eloquent, Mr. President. What do you think should be done with people like Michael Moore?

BUSH SR.
They should be tried for treason. If I had my way he would be tried, convicted and sentenced to the maximum allowable penalty under the law.

LIMBAUGH
No further questions.

JUDGE
Would the defense like to cross examine?

KORNBUS
Yes, your Honor.

JUDGE
Please proceed.

KORNBUS
Thank you. Mr. President, do you believe in the First Amendment and the right to freedom of speech?

BUSH SR.
Of course I do. What kind of question is that?

KORNBUS
As a proponent of said Amendment, why don’t you feel that Michael Moore has the right to speak his mind?

BUSH SR.
Because as I’ve said, he speaks nothing but lies. And those lies divide our country and aid terrorists.

KORNBUS
I see. That’s a rather interesting interpretation of our Constitution, sir. I have to hand it to you. So, you basically feel that when a person does something that causes a division in the opinions of Americans, that person is committing treason. Is that right?

BUSH SR.
Correct.

KORNBUS
When you and former President Reagan sold chemical weapons to Saddam Hussein, do you feel that counts as causing division in the country?

BUSH SR.
How dare you!

KORNBUS
Well, forgive me Mr. President, but I feel that act alone has caused more animosity towards this country than anything Michael Moore has ever done.

BUSH SR.
That’s ludicrous!

KORNBUS
It’s been very divisive. So, would you like to turn yourself in today as a person who has committed treason? We could get this trial started very quickly, I’m sure.

BUSH SR.
This is a mockery. Where the hell are you going with this?

KORNBUS
The facts are these: Saddam Hussein had no weapons of mass destruction, but the weapons he has had in the past he got from you, sir. Yes, Hussein is a horrible human being and yes he did use chemical weapons against the Kurds. But you share the blame in that too, don’t you? After all, you were part of the administration that showed him how to do it. You provided him with the ways and the means, including the satellite technology needed to pinpoint the intended targets. How can Michael Moore possibly compare to any of that?

BUSH SR
Well....I...uhm...

KORNBUS
Nothing further.

JUDGE
Please step down, Mr. President.

(Bush Sr. is escorted out by Secret Service, still looking confused)

JUDGE (cont’d)
Mr. Limbaugh, was that your last witness?

LIMBAUGH
Yes, your Honor. The prosecution rests.

JUDGE
Very well. We will take a recess and convene again on Friday with the defense’s first witnesses. Court is adjourned.

HAPPY 4TH OF JULY!

Friends, Americans, Countrymen, lend me your ears. I just wanted to write a brief note wishing everyone reading a Happy holiday weekend. Hopefully you are all as far away from work as possible and eating more than your fair share of hot dogs and hamburgers.

In the spirit of this holiday, I am postponing the mock trial a day or two. Not just because I plan on stuffing my fat face all day, but because I plan on writing a lot more than I originally thought I would and will need a little extra time to make sure it's worthy of reading.

Also, I hope everyone remembers the true spirit of July 4th and understands that questioning the policies of our leaders's is an act of love for country. Like the best parents do, the citizens of this country should always want the best for this nation we call home. Wanting it to constantly be better is an act of love, make no mistake about that.

Ok, I'm through with my cornball approach to weblog writing. Have fun today and enjoy the fireworks.

THE TRIAL OF MICHAEL MOORE: DAY TWO

Charge #2: Michael Moore is a Liar

JUDGE
Court is now in session. Please be seated. Mr. Limbaugh, call your next witness.

LIMBAUGH
Thank you, your honor. The prosecution calls Bill O’Reilly to the stand.

(Bill O’Reilly takes his seat in the witness chair)

LIMBAUGH (cont’d)
Mr. O’Reilly, what do you do for a living?

O’REILLY
I am a journalist. My main claim to fame is hosting the O’Reilly Factor on the Fox News Channel, but I’ve also authored several books, including a novel.

LIMBAUGH
I see. And the show you do is what is called the “No Spin Zone,” correct?

O’REILLY
That’s correct. I don’t allow people to come on my program and lie or try to distort the truth.

LIMBAUGH
And how does that generally work out for you?

O’REILLY
Quite well. I’ve been interviewing newsmakers my entire career. I know how to handle them. And the American people seem to agree. I have the highest rated television show on cable news.

LIMBAUGH
Have you interviewed Michael Moore before?

O’REILLY
I have. Yes.

LIMBAUGH
What were your impressions of him?

O’REILLY
I came away believing that Mr. Moore deceives for his own personal gain. That is to say that his books and his recent film, Fahrenheit 9/11, are riddled with lies and he is making millions off of this junk. Millions!

LIMBAUGH
Leaving aside Moore’s personal wealth, what about his books do you consider to be lies?

O’REILLY
The question should be what don’t I consider to be lies? In his book, “Dude, Where’s My Country?,” he insinuates that President Bush is some kind of dictator who wants to rule the world. I mean, come on! That’s ridiculous. He is not a dictator.

LIMBAUGH
Point taken. What about his latest film? What lies are there in that?

O’REILLY
Tons. But among the biggest is his claim that the U.S. Government flew Saudi’s and members of the bin Laden family out of the country while everyone else was grounded after 9/11. This is just a bald faced lie, and the 9/11 Commission’s report contradicts it.

LIMBAUGH
Really? He was that brazenly dishonest?

O’REILLY
Oh yes. Absolutely. It’s a shame too, because people are seeing that movie expecting to see the truth. But what they’re being shown is lie after lie. It’s propaganda. I’ve said it time and time again, but Michael Moore is like Joseph Goebbels in that way. He’s a propagandist.

LIMBAUGH
Nothing further, your Honor.

JUDGE
Would the Defense like to cross-examine?

KORNBUS
Yes, your Honor.

JUDGE
Please proceed.

KORNBUS
You stated that Mr. Moore is like Joseph Goebbels. A propagandist. Is that right?

O’REILLY
Yes.

KORNBUS
Would you admit that you are being unfair? To liken Michael Moore to a Nazi is a little excessive, wouldn’t you say?

O’REILLY
I didn’t liken him to being a Nazi.

KORNBUS
You said he was like Joseph Goebbels.

O’REILLY
Yes.

KORNBUS
Goebbels was a Nazi, sir. He was in charge of administering Nazi propaganda.

O’REILLY
I was merely making a comparison. Moore is a propagandist like Goebbels was a propagandist. Nothing more, nothing less.

KORBUS
Ah, see, you’re spinning now, Mr. O’Reilly. For someone who likes to think of themselves as a “no-spin” type of guy, I find that a little bit odd.

O’REILLY
I’m not spinning. I’m just telling you, Goebbels did exactly what Moore is doing.

KORNBUS
Forgive me, but that’s spin, sir. When you compare someone like Michael Moore to a Nazi, you are making a bold statement. You want people to think of Michael Moore and Nazi’s at the same time. That’s pretty low, O’Reilly.

O’REILLY
It’s hyperbole, alright?

KORNBUS
Oh, it’s hyperbole now. Exaggeration. Like Michael Moore comparing Bush to a dictator is an exaggeration. Am I right?

O’REILLY
No, that’s different. That’s the President of the...

KORNBUS
Save it, okay? You’re spinning so much you’re starting to get dizzy. I don’t want you to fall on your face.

O’REILLY
Oh please.

KORNBUS
Let’s move on.

O’REILLY
Yes, let’s. This is a sham.

KORNBUS
Mr. O’Reilly, have you seen Fahrenheit 9/11?

O’REILLY
I’ve seen about half of it.

KORNBUS
Half?

O’REILLY
Yes. I attended a premiere of the film but couldn’t stand sitting through the lies. I got up and left, it’s as simple as that.

KORNBUS
Yes, I’ve heard you state that on your television program; that you’ve only seen half of the film. But I have to ask, if you’ve only seen half of the movie, why do you feel you are qualified to criticize it as a whole?

O’REILLY
I seen enough of it to understand what a farce it was.

KORNBUS
I see. So you feel that you can pass judgment on anything as long as you see just enough to get a feel for the content?

O’REILLY
Basically, yes.

KORNBUS
So, for instance, you feel it would be fair for me to judge your books if I’d only read the inside flap?

O’REILLY
You can do whatever you want. It’s a free country.

KORNBUS
Yes it is, isn’t it? However, in this country, we have a word for judging something before giving it a fair shake. It’s called prejudice, Mr. O’Reilly. And it’s unfair to prejudge Michael Moore’s work, especially as a respected journalist.

O’REILLY
You can think whatever you want about my journalism career, but the fact of the matter is that Fahrenheit 9/11 is riddled with lies.

KORNBUS
Lies? Let’s discuss those lies. You’ve stated that Michael Moore made it clear in his film that the bin Laden’s and other Saudi’s were flown out of the country after 9/11 while the rest of us were still grounded. Is that correct?

O’REILLY
Yes, that’s correct.

KORNBUS
Well, I researched that Mr O’Reilly. You see, unlike yourself, I’ve actually seen the entire film. I’ve watched it from beginning to end and I found a transcript from the film regarding the statement in question. Would you like me to read to you from the transcript?

O’REILLY
If you’d like. I don’t see the point, though.

KORNBUS
Oh, you will. This is directly from the movie. Here we go: “It turns out that the White House approved planes to pick up the bin Ladens and numerous other Saudis. At least six private jets and nearly two-dozen commercial planes carried the Saudis and the bin Ladens out of the U.S. after September 13. In all, 142 Saudis, including 24 members of the bin Laden family were allowed to leave the country.” Did you hear that, Mr O’Reilly? After September 13th!

O’REILLY
So?

KORNBUS
Do you know what the significance of that date is?

O’REILLY
No. Why don’t you tell me?

KORNBUS
September 13th is the very day that the FAA began lifting restrictions on air travel. In fact, it was between September 14th and September 24th that these bin Laden flights took place. That certainly qualifies as being after September 13th, as Michael Moore states in Fahrenheit 9/11. Wouldn’t you agree?

O’REILLY
I suppose.

KORNBUS
This information is all in the 9/11 Commission’s report. But you probably didn’t get to that part. Like with Michael Moore’s film, you had probably seen enough of it halfway through. No further questions, your Honor.

JUDGE
You may step down, Mr. O’Reilly.

(O’Reilly steps down)

JUDGE (cont’d)
We will once again take a two day recess before trial testimony will continue. Court is adjourned.

THE TRIAL OF MICHAEL MOORE: DAY ONE

I saw Michael Moore’s latest film, Fahrenheit 9/11, on Monday so I could see for myself what all the talk was about. It was an amazing piece of filmmaking and I wasn’t disappointed at all. Well, maybe with the actions of George W. Bush I was, but certainly not with Michael Moore. After all, what did he do besides present a documentation of the bullshit that has been going on in this country since the conflict with Iraq began a year ago?

Now, his fans will tell you that Michael Moore is a working class guy from Michigan who goes out of his way to shine the light on the people in power who do wrong. However, his critics argue that Moore is an anti-American propagandist who makes money off of lies and distorted truths. So which is it? Was this film made up of lies and propaganda ? Or, did he simply expose a lot of politicians and beaurocrats for the liars they truly are? I’ve decided to hold a mock trial to find out.

Arguing for the prosecution will be the conservative radio host, Rush Limbaugh. I will be working for the defense. I am an avid fan of Mike’s work and, though I do not always agree with him, I promise to be objective while I faithfully uphold the duties of my position as his counsel. The judge will be simply known as “Judge.” It could be Judge Wapner, Judge Judy or Judge Ito for all the hell I know. But whoever it is you picture in your mind’s eye, you can rest assured that he or she will weigh the facts heavily before making his or her decision. Sound fair? Good. Let’s get on with the trial, shall we?


Opening Arguments

JUDGE:
This is case number 8099 on the docket, Republicans vs. Michael Moore. Please be seated, court is now in session. Staying with proper procedure, we will begin opening arguments with the prosecution. As I understand, Mr. Rush Limbaugh will be orating. Is this, correct?

LIMBAUGH:
Yes, your honor.

JUDGE:
Very well. Please begin.

LIMBAUGH: (Gets out of his chair, waddles around, begins speaking)
Anti-American. Propagandist. Liar. These are three words that all can accurately describe so-called filmmaker Michael Moore. These are not baseless charges, however. With the testimony of this collected of conservative voices, I intend to prove to you point by point the aspects of our case.

It is our contention that through the release of his latest film, Fahrenheit 9/11, Michael Moore has engaged in behavior that is not only dangerous to our national security, but aids terrorists by slandering President Bush.

We will offer a sufficient amount of evidence mined from Moore’s own film and books that will adequately convince you beyond a reasonable doubt that we are correct in our assessments. Thank you.

JUDGE:
Thank you, Mr. Limbaugh. The court will now hear the defense. Mr. Korbus, are you ready?

KORNBUS:
Yes, I’m ready. Thank you.

JUDGE:
Please begin.

KORNBUS:
Your honor, my client is innocent of the charges brought against him. Michael Moore is guilty of nothing more than trying to shed some light on an administration in Washington that has repeatedly deceived the public since the events of September 11th 2001. During the course of this trial, I will show that the right-wing of American politics has gone out of their way to slander and discredit Mr. Moore, with the goal of quieting dissent and a reasonable discussion of the issues.

Though I am a huge fan of his, I do not always agree with Michael Moore’s views or his solutions to the problems facing our nation. However, I completely defend his right to go on doing what he has been doing. And what does he do if not use his talent and celebrity to keep the wrongdoers of the nation in check?

There is an old saying that reads, “The price of liberty is eternal vigilance.” In other words, people who are free must always be on the lookout for other forces which will attempt to take away those precious freedoms. Michael Moore is one of the most vigilant men I know of. He believes in the freedom to say and do what you want, as long as you aren’t hurting another person. To criminalize freedom of speech, which is exactly what a guilty verdict would be doing, will not help anyone. No, in fact, it would hurt everyone by penalizing Americans for the freedoms guaranteed to them under the First Amendment. We cannot allow that to happen here today. Thank you.


Charge #1: Moore’s Film is One-Sided Propaganda

JUDGE
Mr. Limbaugh, call your first witness.

LIMBAUGH
The prosecution calls to the stand Mr. Sean Hannity

(HANNITY WALKS TO WITNESS CHAIR)

LIMBAUGH
Mr Hannity, you are a talk show host, correct?

HANNITY
Yes. I have a radio show I broadcast in the morning and I also have Hannity and Colmes, an hour-long show on the Fox News Channel.

LIMBAUGH
Are you familiar with Michael Moore and his latest movie, Fahrenheit 9/11?

HANNITY
Yes.

LIMBAUGH
And what are your views as it pertains to the movie?

HANNITY
Well, I would say it is clearly a one-sided attack on the Bush administration. It is not a documentary.

LIMBAUGH
Why is it not a documentary? Everyone is saying it is a documentary. People tell me it is the number one moneymaking documentary of all time. Please, explain yourself.

HANNITY
A documentary should provide an objective look at a situation. Fair and balanced reporting, if you will. It should not, as Michael Moore does frequently, offer opinion

LIMBAUGH
What about Fahrenheit 9/11 makes it un-objective?

HANNITY
Well, the movie does not give the Bush family a chance to respond to the allegations presented. Michael Moore says that the Bush family is basically in bed with the Saudi Royal Family, but Bush does not get the chance to retort.

LIMBAUGH
Ok, that’s one circumstance. Is there anything else you can point to?

HANNITY
Yes. There any many, really. But I’ll try to keep this short. The film makes claims that the Carlyle Group are war-profiteers, insinuating that they made a lot of money off of the terrorist attacks and the subsequent war in Iraq. The film also indicates that the Bush family has done business for years with the bin Laden’s and this was covered up to protect the current administration. These are all baseless charges. The Bush family, nor the administration is ever given a chance to answer to them.

LIMBAUGH
So it is your contention, Mr. Hannity, that Fahrenheit 9/11 is a one-sided attack on the Bush family and their respective administration. Is this correct?

HANNITY
Yes.

LIMBAUGH
Is it also your view that, because this film is one-sided, that the American people have been misled by Michael Moore into believing that President George W. Bush is unfit for office?

HANNITY
Yes. Very much so. I believe Michael Moore has intentionally and unfairly tried to skew the President’s tenure in an effort to discredit him as Commander-In-Chief.

LIMBAUGH
No further questions, your Honor.

JUDGE
Mr. Korbus, would you care to cross examine the witness?

KORNBUS
Yes, i would.

JUDGE
Proceed.

KORNBUS
Mr. Hannity, you’ve stated here in court today that Fahrenheit 9/11 is a one-sided attack on President Bush. I agree. It is one sided. But don’t you also feel that the controlled mass media has been one-sided in its approach to the war in Iraq as well?

HANNITY
How so?

KORNBUS
Well, correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t remember Dan Rather or Tom Brokaw ever once seriously questioning the President’s call for war. If nothing else, the media played cheerleader to this aggression all along, wouldn’t you say?

HANNITY
Well, it is true that the country was behind the war effort, yes.

KORNBUS
And wouldn’t you say that the reason they were so solidly behind said war effort was because the media, including the Fox News Channel for you which you work, was pushing so hard for it?

HANNITY
I can’t say for sure.

KORNBUS
You can’t say? Would it be a fair statement to say that CBS and NBC Nightly News was pro-war?

HANNITY
Yes. That would be fair.

KORNBUS
And would it be fair to say that the Fox News Channel, deemed “the most trusted name in news,” was pro-war as well?

HANNITY
Yes, I suppose so.

KORNBUS
And would you agree that the reason people were so in favor of the war with Iraq was because they saw no reason to oppose it? After all, Saddam had weapons of mass destruction, right? Saddam helped plan 9/11 with Osama bin Laden, right?

HANNITY
Well, at the time...uh...err...there was no...

KORNBUS
At the time, Mr. Hannity, journalists had a responsibility to seek out the facts and report them to the American people. You and your colleagues failed to do that, sir. The network news journalists failed to do that as well. It has become clear that Saddam had no weapons of mass destruction. It has also become clear that he did not aid Osama bin Laden in the plot to carry out the attacks on 9/11. In fact, Osama bin Laden can’t stand Hussein can he?

HANNITY
That’s not true! There is an unspecified link between Iraq and Al-Qaeda.

KORNBUS
Unspecified link? Please, tell me more.

HANNITY
Well, all the facts haven’t come to light yet, so I really couldn’t actually...

KORNBUS
Face up to it, Mr. Hannity. There is no link between the two. You know this as well as I. Being in a position to help mold public opinion, you should have brought this to the attention of your viewing audience. You chose not to for reasons I cannot explain. If anything, that is the very definition of one-sided propaganda. No further questions.

JUDGE
You may step down, Mr. Hannity.

(Hannity leaves the stand)

JUDGE (cont’d)
At this time, we will take a recess. Court will resume in two days with further testimony and new evidence. Adjourned.

THE RESPONSE

In case it matters, I received a response from Mr. Zimmerman regarding my many questions about Meijer’s policy of eliminating jobs. Without further adu, here is the email I received:


Jason, Thanks for your inquires. All this has been addressed in the media. Please feel free to review old articles and news stories from September 2003 and January 2004. Thanks.

John Zimmerman
Director of Community and
Customer Relations
Meijer
2929 Walker Ave
Grand Rapids, MI 49544
(616) 791-5267
meijer.com


So what does this mean exactly? I translated by using my Corporate Nonsense to English Handbook and was able to surmise that what he means is, quite simply, “Don’t bother me.” See, I’ve checked a lot of media sources regarding this story and there is nothing there that answers my questions. That’s why I wrote the stupid bastard. But it’s pretty obvious he has no intentions of answering to anything.

So I guess for now I’ll just have to explore other avenues. Maybe one of these days I can document all this nonsense in my book, “Retail Rage: How I Kicked the Ass of Exploitative Retail Giants.” Look for that to be published by Harper-Collins or something sometime in the year two thousand and never. Oh well, what to do?

?

RETAIL RAGE PART 2: MEIJER

I’ve recently come to the conclusion that Meijer is evil.

This past week I was at the Meijer store in Maumee when I realized there were no people acting as baggers at the end of the checkout lanes. This particular location has been open for probably 10 years or more, so this came as a bit of a shock.

I inquired as to where they were and I was told that the company as a whole had gotten rid of all baggers and approximately half of their manegerial staff. That’s thousands of positions elminated. This struck me as a bit odd. After all, this country, and in particular my state of Ohio, has been going through a sort of minor depression lately. Jobs have been very hard to come by and a lot of teenagers, as well as adults, have sought employment at retail outfits like Meijer. Grocery baggers were always in demand due to the amount of customers filing in and out all day, and many of them could eventually get into management if they stuck around long enough. So why would this company, which is currently at the pinnacle of its growth, suddenly decide to put a couple thousand people out of work?

To answer my questions, I got online and clicked over to www.meijer.com. Unfortunately, here I was met with just a lot of the standard issue corporate level b.s. In other words, I wasn’t getting anywhere. I decided to contact John Zimmerman, Meijer’s Director of Community and Customer Relations. He is used solely for contact by members of the media it seems, but I figure I’m writing a weblog entry here--so that should count. And surely if I had questions, this man would have the answers, right? Not being able to afford a lengthy long distance call, I decided to do the next best thing and write him an e-mail. What follows is the text of said e-mail:


Hello, sir.

Recently Meijer eliminated the jobs of thousands of workers, ranging from grocery baggers to managerial staff. I'd like to understand why.

I checked Meijer.com and found a lot of information in some older press releases. They said that the removal of these downsized employees would "create more open lanes, more often" as well as "offer one on one service with guests." That sounds great and all, but couldn't that be solved much easier by simply hiring more cashiers? I can't tell you how many times I have tried to check out and found myself in a long line, waiting 15 minutes or more for service. The problem was never once the speed of the baggers. It was the lack of open lanes. If more cashiers were hired, more lanes would be open. Doesn't that sound a little more reasonable?

I also found out that it will be the cashiers now who will be both checking customers out as well as bagging their items for them. I'm curious, will the cashiers be paid more now that they are doing twice as much work?

I understand that Meijer offered the "downsized" employees help in finding a new job after their own was eliminated. Tell me, were the new jobs they found lower paying for the most part? Did anyone land better jobs? Will any of the former employees receive better jobs with Meijer in the corporate infrastructure? I think it would be a great reward for their honorable service to the company, don't you?

With all the jobs being eliminated, Meijer will save a great deal. Will these savings be passed on to consumers? If so, how? What products can consumers look forward to saving on?

How much salary does CEO Hank Meijer earn per year? If this information available? If so, will he, or has he already, received a raise? I mean, just what exactly is going to be done with all that recently freed up cash anyway?

A few more items of interest, if you'll indulge me:

On Meijer.com there are two quotes in particular that baffled me. I was hoping you could provide some answers. One stated, "We believe we should be an asset to the communities we serve.” How exactly are you benefitting the community by eliminating jobs in the midst of high unemployment rates?

Another quote stated, “As an employer, we show respect for everyone with our hiring practices. Once hired, we treat our hard-working team members with the respect they deserve.” This one really surprised me. Is eliminating jobs during a high period of unemployment how Meijer defines "respect"?

I apologize for the length of this e-mail, but I really am quite confused by these practices. Meijer is #9 on Forbes' list of largest private companies. The business pulls in billions of dollars and wields great influence in the retail world. Why are you so insistent on eliminating so many jobs all of a sudden?

I'd really love some answers.

Yours,
Jason Korbus


Unfortunately, I have yet to receive a response from Mr. Zimmerman, but I remain optimistic. If and when I do receive that response, I’ll post it on the weblog for anyone who is interested to read. Until then, I guess all I can do is keep trying to find the answers to these questions I have.

HOW TO FIX SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

A little while back I wrote a brief entry about how painful it has become to watch Saturday Night Live the past couple of years. What once used to be a weekend staple for me has turned into something I try to avoid. Yes, I often find myself watching an infomercial for a grilling machine or a juicer instead of attempting to sit through an hour and a half of bad sketches.

I grew up during the reign of Dana Carvey and Chris Farley, of Phil Hartman and David Spade. Now hey, I understand they’re not on the show anymore. In fact, a couple of them are dead. I know those days are long gone, but still, why has the show gotten so damn bad lately? What can be done to fix it? That’s what I’m writing about today. I don’t claim to have all of the answers, but I think I have a few ideas that could at least help. I’ll write a bit about each point, and I’ll start with....


The Writing
I have to be honest here. The writing stinks. It isn’t funny. When the performers stoop to cracking up in the middle of sketches in an effort to get cheap laughs, that means that the material itself isn’t doing the job. SNL used to be cutting edge. It used to be brave and expand the boundaries a bit. I would suggest going back to that. Push the envelope! Don’t be afraid to write sketches about things some people will find to be in poor taste. Remember, the show has never been geared toward adults who have lost their sense of humor. It has always been youth oriented, centering on fresh, original material. Now, I love topical jokes as much as the next person, but don’t be afraid to show us something that hasn’t been seen before. Experimentation is the only way this show will be able to evolve.


The Talent
Ok, this is hard for me. There’s a lot of very talented people on Saturday Night Live. And while I think some of it is because they aren’t getting quality material, there’s a few who just aren’t cutting it. Namely, Horatio Sanz.

Horatio Sanz has got to go. I’m sorry, but I don’t see what is so goddamn hilarious about him yet. Is it because he’s fat? That’s not funny. If he wants to be the funny fat guy, he has to do something with his body. Watch old Farley tapes and learn, Horatio.

Maya Rudolph...consider this your pink slip. You have a lot of potential, but you haven’t done much on SNL worthy of keeping you around. Take a year off, explore what you want to do with your career in comedy, then come back if you feel like you might be able to contribute more.

There’s a few others who need to step up their game. Fred Armisen, Finesse Mitchell and Seth Meyers, to name a few. I see something in you all. You may not be the stuff legends are made of, but you could at least make me laugh if you tried harder. If not, just leave now. Lorne could spend the money pursuing other performers.


The Hosts
The people who get chosen week in and week out to host SNL are some of the luckiest people in the entertainment business. Just to step on the stage of studio 8H should be considered a huge honor. Therefore, when I see hosts like Donald Trump whore the limelight to sell his latest book, it pisses me off. That pompous son of a bitch ruined what could have been a good episode of SNL by constantly...constantly....constantly talking about himself. I had to turn the damn television off. It wasn’t entertaining, it was ANNOYING! I understand that SNL is a promotional vehicle, but this was out of hand and, quite frankly, ridiculous.

The great thing about being a larger than life personality is going on SNL and mocking yourself and the attention a little bit. For instance, when Jennifer Aniston hosted the show, she played a loud, intrusive paparazzi on the red carpet. It was funny because she got to throw it back in the faces of all the photographers and gossip columnists who intrude into her personal life on a daily basis. That’s something the Donald Trumps of the world should do on the show. Not inflate their own egos at the expense of the viewing public.


What’s Missing?
There’s a few things I think the show could use. First of all, I’d like to see some Asian or Middle Eastern influence portrayed. Not because I’m one of those people who bitch and moan about the lack of diversity on television. I’m not. But when you’re talking comedy shows, there’s not a whole lot better than a funny Asian. Seriously, is it possible that we can get Margaret Cho to be a cast member? I love her. She’s very willing to poke fun at stereotypes and skewer her own background. What about the winner of NBC’s own Last Comic Standing? Dat Phan is small, dorky and energetic. I really do believe that the show could use people like this to shake things up a bit.

Secondly, good impressionists are sorely absent. Darrell Hammond is great, but we’re approaching election season. SNL has always prided itself on great political satire, but this year is going to be horrible. It NEEDS someone who can imitate GW Bush. It isn’t being done well right now. It NEEDS someone who can imitate John Kerry. It isn’t being done well right now. And honestly, it NEEDS someone who can mock Osama bin Laden. Those three, coupled with Darrell Hammond’s Dick Cheney could make for some very funny moments this November.

Impressionists are also great for the regular sketches on the show. Take a look over at MAD TV’s Aries Spears. He is tearing the crowd up with his imitations of Shaquille O’Neal, Bill Cosby and Evander Holyfield. That’s the kind of stuff I want to see--prominent figures in sports and entertainment made a little harmless fun of. Another MAD TV personality is Frank Caliendo. He is an amazing impressionist, if you haven’t seen him. He has nearly killed me with his routines as John Madden and George W. Bush. He can flawlessly impersonate many, many others and it’s too bad he’s on MAD TV. Check him out if you haven’t heard of him. He’s really talented.


Lorne Michaels
Finally, I want to say something about Lorne, the executive producer of Saturday Night Live. The buck stops with you, Mr. Michaels. You’re the man responsible for bringing Saturday Night Live to the air and keeping it alive when things looked worst. The time has come again for you to shake things up and get this show back on track. Sink or swim, Lorne. Sink or swim.



DETROIT PISTONS 2004 NBA CHAMPS

Congratulations to the Pistons and their fans all over the country. It's been great following them through the long season and extremely rewarding being able to share in their championship over the Lakers. Good work, guys! And best of luck next year!

PS: Please, Rasheed, re-sign with Detroit.

IMAGINE THIS...

I was flipping across the television dial earlier tonight and, since it was on about every channel, saw some of the Reagan funeral proceedings. Among the many friends and family walking past the casket, I noticed the Governator himself, Arnold Schwarzennegger.

When I saw him there, I started wondering what would happen if he had to eulogize the deceased President. It would probably have been short, funny and rife with his old movie lines. Well, imagine for a moment that our dreams have come true. Yes, let’s pretend that Ah-nuhld had indeed been asked to give a eulogy. Here’s a sample of the sound bytes we would have heard (say them aloud in your best Arnold voice for maximun effect):

“In the movies, I played a character called the Terminator. But now, at the age of 93, it is President Ronald Reagan who has been terminated.”

“President Reagan spent 8 years in office restoring patriotic pride and fighting Communism worldwide. In the movies, I was the Commando...but Ronald Reagan was the true Commando-In-Chief.”

“Who is your daddy and what does he do? Ha Ha, I had no real reason to say that. I just wanted to find yet another environment to say my old movie lines in.”

“Until his recent death, President Reagan fought a long, courageous battle with Alzheimer’s. Unlike previously thought, it was not a tumor!!”

“I’ll be back. But you won’t!!”

“Nancy...it has been a week since your husband passed away. Get over it immediately. STOP WHINING! You are soft! You lack discipline! WELL I'VE GOT NEWS FOR YOU, YOU ARE MINE NOW! YOU BELONG TO ME!”

“Hasta La Vista, baby!”

DETROIT SPORTS REPORT

Lately I’ve tried to keep sports out of the limelight on my weblog. I’ve basically done a decent job, but lately there’s been some stuff going on I wanted to write just a bit about.


Detroit Tigers
The Tigers have been among my sources of joy this year as far as sports go. They’ve been my team my entire life and I’ve stuck with them through thick and thin. In recent years, it’s been almost entirely the thin...because they’ve sucked horribly. And while it’s been a disappointment, my support never waivered. Therefore, it’s been great seeing them do much better this year. Starting with a great offseason where they picked up a lot of good free-agent talent (Pudge Rodriguez, Carlos Guillen and Ugueth Urbina, just to name a few) the boys from Detroit have given us fans a lot to cheer about. True, they’ve been slumping a bit recently, but I’m confident they’re going to come out of it. Besides, they took two out of three from the Atlanta Braves and have a good lead over the defending champion Marlins as I’m writing this. Will the Tigers win the World Series? Probably not. Their starting pitching has been inconsistent and you can’t do much without a decent rotation. However, I do expect the Tigers to continue suprising sports fans this year and resuming their success this into the future.


Detroit Red Wings
The Wings have disappointed me the last two years. Both years I was expecting them to go deep into the playoffs and contend for the Stanley Cup. However, it’s been anything but success for Hockeytown’s heroes. Last year they were swept in the first round and this year they were manhandled in the second. This just won’t do. I feel they’re consistently among the best teams in the NHL and them dropping out of the playoffs early every year pisses me off. I expect better. I don’t typically like blaming the coach, however, Dave Lewis has given me reason to be suspicious. Why do the Wings enter the postseason the odds-on-favorites his first two years as coach only to be eliminated by lesser squads? It’s something they’re going to have to figure out. I know this is his first stint as a head coach, but if he doesn’t fare any better next year, it will be time for him to go.


Detroit Pistons
Ahh, the Pistons. The pride of Motown. I vividly remember being a wee little boy and cheering the “Bad Boys” on to two consecutive NBA Championships--one of which was against the Lakers. I’m much older now and not nearly as wee as I once was--but that doesn’t mean I can’t cheer just as hard for this new breed of Pistons. This team has set records for their stifling defense and, if you ask me, should be considered the greatest defensive team of all time. They’re in the finals right now and this is the biggest reason why. That, and the midseason addition of Rasheed Wallace, anyway. Nothing will make me happier than to watch the Pistons conquer Los Angeles’s finest once again. Right now they’re up 2 games to 1 and the world is seeing just how amazing this team is. Time to go to work, Detroit. Let’s bring the title home once again!

TALKIN BOUT MY MAMA

My mother, the kind and loving woman that she is, does fly off the handle every now and again. It tends to happen, namely, in retail outlets, and is focused upon the employees of said establishments.

Yes, I can recall many times where my mom allowed her frustrations to get the better of her and let slip a few choice four letter words. When I was younger, seeing the woman who gave me life cause a scene in a restaurant was embarrassing. Now that I am older, I find it quite amusing.

From time to time I would like to share a story or two here of past situations involving dear old mom. However, today I will relate one that, while not quite as entertaining as the ones I’ll write about in the future, is sure to provide a chuckle.

Around a week ago my brother began to notice a weird noise when he would touch the brakes in his car. It was kind of a mix between a squeak and a repeated thud-thud sound. Luckily, we have a excellent mechanic right next door, so he was able to ask his opinion. After giving it a quick look, it was determined that the cause of the problem was advanced deterioration of his brake pads. The mechanic would be willing to fix it for minimal labor, however, he asked that we go and pick up the necessary replacement parts at a local auto parts outfit.

Since my brother was unable to go, the chore fell upon my mother, who was more than happy to help out. She didn’t want to go alone though, so I went along to provide her some company. First stop: Auto Zone.

We walked inside the shop and were greeted by an employee. My mom told him what we needed and he quickly looked it up on a computer and walked to the stock room to retrieve the parts. Moments later, he returned--empty handed. He looked at his computer screen again, then informed us that there was only one brake pad in stock. We needed two, so obviously this was a problem. Apparently what happened is that the guy who closed the store the previous night had failed to put in an order for a multitude of parts that were running low in stock. Among them, of course, were our brake pads.

My mom, never being one to enjoy ineptitude, was pissed. “Do you mean to tell me that you don’t have what I need for my son’s car? This is fucking ridiculous! You people never have anything. I came in here a couple of weeks back for a headlight and there was none in stock. No, forget this shit. I am going to Murray’s.”

The Auto Zone employee, fearful of a confrontation and the loss of a customer, tried to reassure her. “I’m very sorry ma’am. But I’m showing on the computer that we have three pads in stock at our Reynolds Road location. Would you like to go there?”

“Why the hell should I drive halfway across town to get fuckin brake pads when I can just go right over here to Murray’s? No, thanks but no thanks. Keep your brake pads.”

With this, my mom turned to walk out. I walked alongside of her, laughing to myself. Here’s my mom, nearing her 50’s, chewing out a guy half her age over brake pads. It struck me funny.

"But ma'am..," the man interjected. Before he could finish his thought, however, my mom cut him off.

“You fuckers piss me off.”

That was the last words he heard before we exited through the automatic doors. We laughed about her verbal dismantling of the Auto Zone shop worker all the way to Murray’s. There we were able to easily buy the brake pads needed and even got a slip that will entitle her to a $10 refund. Not bad.

The moral of this story is not that you should always strive for the best customer service. No, the message here is that you should never lose an opportunity to see my mom bitch at retail workers. It’s a little something I’ve learned along the way, and now I try my best to never miss a minute.

RETAIL RAGE

I went to Wal-Mart yesterday and, upon approaching the entrance, was smacked right in the face with irony. Right there, next to the automatic doors, was a huge display of assorted flowers made up to look like an American flag. A lot of people probably thought that was just delightful, but I don’t think patriotic pride is what Wal-Mart was full of.

I couldn’t believe the audacity of the whole scene. Isn’t Wal-Mart the company that was caught hiring illegal immigrants and paying them slave wages for janitorial service? Isn’t Wal-Mart the company that used to claim “We Buy American,” all the while using Chinese sweat shop labor? And wasn’t Wal-Mart among the companies taking out ”Dead Peasant” policies on it’s employees, insuring THEMSELVES, not the families, when an employee would die? Yes, yes and yes. How American! How patriotic! How horrible.

The bottom line is that Wal-Mart is a disgrace and seeing their little “display” made me sick to my stomach. The least I can do is not shop there anymore. I’m not going to patronize a business that shockingly arrogant.

WHORING THE WORDS “HERO” AND “COURAGE”

Have you noticed how recently, especially in the last few years, the words “courage” and “hero” have been consistently whored out? By this I mean that they are improperly used over and over again in such a way that cheapens their real meaning. Allow me to explain using a few examples.

The whoring of words is almost exclusively done when within a sports context. Take the word “hero” first. Michael Jordan was repeatedly referred to as a hero by the media during the span of his career. I remember vividly a made for TV movie chronicling his life entitled, “Michael Jordan: American Hero.” It’s pathetic.

A hero is someone who puts their ass on the line for a greater good. A firefighter who rushes into a burning building to rescue someone else’s child is a hero. A soldier who leaves his life behind to fight for his country’s freedom is a hero. Being able to lead the Chicago Bulls to six NBA championships just does not measure up.

Was Michael Jordan a great athlete? Of course. Did he enthrall the people privileged enough to see him play? Absolutely. But, is he a hero for that? No way. Not even close.

As I said earlier, “courage” is another word frequently misused and, again, normally in a sports context. I can’t count how many times recently I have had to hear sports analysts talk about how “courageous” and “mentally tough” Kobe Bryant is. Why do they say he is courageous and mentally tough, you ask? Because he has been able, on several occasions, to attend a pre-trial hearing in his rape trial in Colorado, then fly back to Los Angeles for a basketball game to score a lot of points the same night.

Does it shock anyone else how amazingly ignorant that is? Does it upset anyone else how Kobe Bryant can go from a possible rapist in the morning to a courageous superstar a few hours later? Whether or not he actually is a rapist is secondary to me. At the very least he is an adulterer. He doesn’t deserve any respect for that. It’s truly sad when a man can engage in something as treacherous and despicable as adultery, yet still be held up as a role model just because he is famous and can score 30 points in a basketball game. Seriously, will they still be heralding him if it turns out he raped the girl?

Look, words exist for a reason. When their meaning is cheapened so that a journalist can add a bit of zest to his broadcast, it undermines their profession and it devalues our language. Slang or hyperbole is one thing, but this is something else entirely. Simply put, it needs to stop now.

THE SIMPLE PLEASANTRIES OF LIFE

A couple of days ago I was in the back seat of my parents car being driven back from an afternoon lunch we had together. Once we were about 60 seconds from our house, the song “Freshmen” by the Verve Pipe came on the radio.

Now, I hate most everything on the radio, but this song was big a few years back and I’ve always kind of dug it’s simple melody. This was the first time I’d heard it in quite a while and I was kinda bummed because I knew I wouldn’t get to hear the whole thing. After all, we were almost home.

But just then, like an act of fate, a slow-moving pickup truck pulled out in front of our car from a side street, sputtering the whole way. Well, that 60 second trip turned into about 3 minutes and I was afforded the opportunity to hear the great majority of my song. Sometimes, the simple pleasures really are the best.


STUFF YOU SHOULD DO

These are just my opinions of course, but I have a small list of things everyone should own that I’d like to share.


Music You Should Own
Sludgeworth - “Losers of the Year.” Sludgeworth is a band I’d never heard of until around two years ago when I was searching Interpunk.com for decent music. I’m a big fan of Lookout Record label as they’ve been responsible for many a band that I now enjoy. Sludgeworth isn’t around anymore, but this cd of their best stuff from a few EP’s and LP’s they released in the short time they were together is worth owning. It’s chock full of great power pop songs that everyone should familiarize themselves with. It’s good stuff and I’m glad I bought it.

The Huntingtons - “Self-Titled Album.” These are some really cool guys who release great album after greater album. In an age where many successful bands release one or two radio friendly pop songs to entice people into buying their record brimming with 10 other horrible tunes, the Huntingtons don’t know the meaning of filler...all the songs are hits. It’s just too bad the rest of the country doesn’t know it. Honestly, this may be the group’s final album. It’s a shame too, because I’ve enjoyed every single recording they’ve produced. Do yourself a favor and pick up this album, or any other you can find from this group. Rock n’ Roll!

The Manges - “R Good Enough.” Punk Rock in the United States is on life support and we can all thank MTV and the legions of braindead peons who tune in for screwing it up. This station is guilty of the attempted murder of punk rock, but there’s still a few bands out there carrying the torch. In Europe, in a country called Italy, is one of those very bands...they’re called the Manges. These guys know how to play and they still understand what rock n roll should be about. I’m in their debt, and so are you. Pick up this album and/or anything of theirs you can get off of EBay and enjoy at full volume in your bedroom.

The European Pop Punk Virus - Volumes 1 & 2. These albums are compilations of some of the best rock n’ roll coming out of Europe today. And as much as I’d like to believe otherwise, Europe is producing better bands that this country. If you still in your heart believe that rock music can be great...go find yourself these cd’s and then go find the albums by the bands that have contributed songs to the compilation. Your faith will be restored.

To find any of these releases, go to Interpunk.com and search for them. Interpunk is the best online music store, bar none. They offer reasonable prices on all of their merchandise and they ship fast. They also have a local music section, where you can find bands from your hometown who are selling their merch through the site. Because of that awesome little feature, I’ve been able to find several bands that write good tunes that I plan on following from now on. So head on over to Interpunk and see what you can find in your area.


Television You Should Watch
The Shield is probably the best drama on television right now. A group of dirty cops that protect the peace while getting deeper and deeper into the criminal underworld makes for an entertaining hour every Tuesday night at 10pm. FX, baby!

Cheap Seats is quickly becoming one of my favorite shows. If you haven’t seen it, picture Mystery Science Theater 3000 with a sports theme. And if you haven’t seen Mystery Science Theater, then what the hell is wrong with you? But seriously, it’s two guys named Randy and Jason who watch old sports programming and basically just crack jokes about how lame and cheesy it is. Sometimes it’s kinda stupid, usually it’s insightful, but it’s always funny. I think it’s on Thursdays at 10 now, on ESPN Classics.

Family Plots is one of the best of the “Reality” genre on tv. It follows the life of a family run mortuary and the things they all go through as individuals when certain situations rear their head. For instance, how will the funeral director, who went through the death of his own one year old baby, deal with arranging the funeral of a stillborn infant? This show can be extremely moving at times. It does not shy away from showing the deceased, so squeamish people should beware. However, it has it’s lighter moments too. All in all, it is both education and entertaining. Tune in Mondays at 9pm on A&E.


Movies You Should See
Saw a couple of decent flicks here recently and, ya know, you should see them too.

First was The Cooler. It stars William H. Macy as a guy so unlucky, that the most minute period of interaction with him will change your luck for the worse. He finally meets a girl who loves him for him and his luck changes. The story is set in a casino and features a good performance by Alec Baldwin as well. Pick it up for it’s good acting. Watch it again for a multitude of scenes involving Macy’s naked ass. God, what guts. Just watch and you’ll see what I mean.

The second movie was 21 Grams, starring Sean Penn, Naomi Watts and Benecio del Toro. The story involves three strangers whose lives all come together due to the untimely death of a husband and his 2 children. The acting is the not the problem here. The only thing I found fault with was the editing. Jeez, it was like they filmed the damn movie, cut it into 500 pieces, threw those pieces in a hat and picked them out one at a time to put into the final cut. If you can deal with that, you’ll enjoy the performances and the plot immensely.


Comedians You Should Hear
David Cross has two stand up comedy albums everyone should hear. The first is called “Shut Up You Fucking Baby” and his most recent is “It’s Not Funny!” Both contain a good mix of smart, political humor and keen observations about people and things that piss him off. That can range anywhere from ridiculous products (square bagels and electric scissors) to drunk rednecks. I love his comedy because, aside from being funny, it’s strongly opinionated. I know a lot of people think comedy shouldn’t be educational, but those people are retarded. Entertainment should involve thinking, at least from time to time, and David Cross is doing that as well as anyone right now.

The next comedian you should hear is no longer alive because he died of pancreatic cancer close to 10 years ago. His name was Bill Hicks and, quite frankly, the guy may have been a genius. What he did, quite simply, was point out each and every thing that was moronic about the status quo. Whether that meant attacking religion, nonsmokers or the War in Iraq...Bill Hicks was always right on track. His comedy 10 years ago is actually still completely and totally relevant today. Ten years ago he was railing against the Gulf War “distraction” and yet here were are in the present, once again at war in that area. Unfortunately, not a whole lot has changed, despite Bill’s best efforts. One of my favorite things about Hicks’ albums, not withstanding the material...is the liner notes. Every album of his I’ve purchased comes complete with a little leaflet that states, “Warning: This album contains everything your parents hate, everything the church preaches against, everything the Government fears. Enjoy.” Indeed. So pick up any or all of the following: Dangerous, Relentless, Arizona Bay or Rant in E-Minor and be thoroughly challenged and entertained by one of the greatest comic minds to ever come along.


A Statement You Should Read
This is a statement I came across in a chain e-mail. I never forward these goddamned things along, but this one kind of touched me. So, while I’m not technically forwarding it, I am going to share it here to save you the email box space.

It is the testimony of Darrell Scott, the father of a Columbine shooting victim, during his address to a House Judiciary Subcommittee. And while I don’t agree with every word he says, the honesty with which he says it speaks volumes and I thought everyone should read it. It is as follows:

"Since the dawn of creation there has been both good &evil in the hearts of men and women. We all contain the seeds of kindness or the seeds of
violence. The death of my wonderful daughter, Rachel Joy Scott, and the
deaths of that heroic teacher, and the other eleven children who died must not be in vain. Their blood cries out for answers.

"The first recorded act of violence was when Cain slew his brother Abel out in the field. The villain was not the club he used. Neither was it the NCA, the National Club Association. The true killer was Cain, and the reason for the murder could only be found in Cain's heart.

"In the days that followed the Columbine tragedy, I was amazed at how
quickly fingers began to be pointed at groups such as the NRA. I am not a
member of the NRA. I am not a hunter. I do not even own a gun. I am not here to represent or defend the NRA - because I don't believe that they are
responsible for my daughter's death. Therefore I do not believe that they
need to be defended. If I believed they had anything to do with Rachel's
murder I would be their strongest opponent.

I am here today to declare that Columbine was not just a tragedy-it was a
spiritual event that should be forcing us to look at where the real blame
lies! Much of the blame lies here in this room. Much of the blame lies
behind the pointing fingers of the accusers themselves.

"I wrote a poem just four nights ago that expresses my feelings best. This was written way before I knew I would be speaking here today:

Your laws ignore our deepest needs,
Your words are empty air.
You've stripped away our heritage,
You've outlawed simple prayer.
Now gunshots fill our classrooms,
And precious children die.
You seek for answers everywhere,
And ask the question "Why?"
You regulate restrictive laws,
Through legislative creed.
And yet you fail to understand,
That God is what we need!

"Men and women are three-part beings. We all consist of body, soul, and
spirit. When we refuse to acknowledge a third part of our make-up, we create a void that allows evil, prejudice, and hatred to rush in and reek havoc.

Spiritual presences were present within our educational systems for most of our nation's history. Many of our major colleges began as theological
seminaries. This is a historical fact. What has happened to us as a nation?
We have refused to honor God, and in so doing, we open the doors to hatred and violence. And when something as terrible as Columbine's tragedy occurs-- politicians immediately look for a scapegoat such as the NRA. They immediately seek to pass more restrictive laws that contribute to erode away our personal and private liberties. We do not need more restrictive laws.

"Eric and Dylan would not have been stopped by metal detectors. No amount of gun laws can stop someone who spends months planning this type of massacre. The real villain lies within our own hearts.

"As my son Craig lay under that table in the school library and saw his two friends murdered before his very eyes-He did not hesitate to pray in school. I defy any law or politician to deny him that right! I challenge every young person in America, and around the world, to realize that on April 20, 1999, at Columbine High School prayer was brought back to our schools. Do not let the many prayers offered by those students be in vain. Dare to move into the new millennium with a sacred disregard for legislation that violates your God-given right to communicate with Him.

To those of you who would point your finger at the NRA - I give to you a sincere challenge. Dare to examine your own heart before casting the first stone! My daughter's death will not be in vain! The young people of this country will not allow that to happen!"

A NEW JOB

Kornbus got a job. Good for you, Kornbus.

Yeah, that’s right....a man has gotta feel responsible for the welfare of his environment. Therefore, I took a job as a collections agent in what has to be considered to be one of the top moronic moves on my lifetime. I’ll explain.

I took the position at UCB, one of the nation’s top collection firms. I wasn’t too excited about it, really. Honestly, who actually pines to be one of those people who calls you up non-stop trying to get money? Not me. But I needed a job, so I took it. I figured it wouldn’t be so bad. Well, it turns out it is bad. Really bad. Evil, even.

It isn’t so much the part about calling up old women and hassling them for the final 3 payments on their oxygen tank. If grandma wants to breathe, grandma has got to pay, right? No, it wasn’t things like that which make me want to quit. It’s more in the way of how the company pits their employees against one another for the opportunity of advancement and/or commissions.

I wasn’t in training for more than a day before I realized how big of an error in judgment I had made coming to work there. The Operation Manager who hired me came to our class and passed out various papers explaining the nature of the business. Fine. It was pretty much all cut and dry anyway. But then he delved into how the collectors go out of their way to steal their fellow associates’ money. For instance: If a man has agreed to a payment plan with one collector to alleviate his debt, and another collector calls him at a later date and gets the man to pay it off quicker, collector #2 reaps all the awards. It doesn’t matter that collector #1 initiated the whole process. #2 will gladly accept the fruits of their labor.

Everyone in my class thought this was pretty sick. Rightly so, I might add. But it turns out that our trainer, a woman that apparently hails from deep within the heart of Ghettonia, began to brag about her former exploits as well. She explained that she used to “love it” when she could call up debtors who already made payment arrangements with a prior representative. You see, she would just get them to pay it off a little quicker so she could accept the bonus the original rep thought they had coming to them. She spoke with great enthusiasm as she detailed her many cases of legalized thievery. It sounded as if she just couldn’t wait to get her ass back in front of a phone to do it over and over again. She also promised she would teach us the tricks of the trade. I wanted to puke.

Well, it turns out that my mom knows a few people who used to work there. And why is it that they no longer do? Because they were sick of being cheated out of the commissions that they believed were rightly theirs, of course. They grew really tired really quick of getting their paycheck and being shortchanged. Who can blame them?

So, I can’t stay at this place. It’s one thing to have the debtors hate your guts...but I am NOT going to engage in twisted little games of oneupsmanship in order to gain a few extra dollars a month at the expense of a colleague. I’m just not going to do that. It’s wrong and it should go against any decent person’s moral code.

After I quit, which will probably be tomorrow, I am going to apply at various little shops and stores in my neighborhood. Will it be less money? Yes. Will I receive less hours? Probably. But will I have to cut someone else’s throat for an extra buck? Hell no. And that suits me just fine.